Shadows

Life! She recently opened her jaws and swallowed me up! I could have, but I didn’t fight it. I guess I’d finally had enough. The culminating events came about real slow, but, the opportunity was abrupt, when it presented itself, I was ready to erupt! I guess I’d had enough…

So, I decided to let go, to give in, to give up…

Everyone wants to be happy, to spread cheer, to manifest love and light. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, as, at times, so do I. But, come here lately, I’ve accepted my fate, as I’ve chosen to embrace the hate! It’s a war I can’t win and a battle I can no longer fight!

Maybe you can, maybe you can’t, so, allow me to enlighten you. But first, you must know, that after you’ve read this post, you’ll have accepted me for who I truly am, and, there will no longer be the opportunity for any of us to recant…

Light and dark, there are countless ways and reasons to define both, but for the purpose of this post, we’ll go with what they mean to me the most. One is with, and the other is without hope…

Shadow is defined as, “a dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface”, Merriam Webster. I think we can all agree upon this being true, to be proven, scientifically, and no joke.

Well, my shadow, it has ghosts! And it’s in the Shadows, with my ghosts, where I feel truly alive the MOST!

In the beginning, at the start, it’s hard to tell them apart and differentiate what each one’s purpose is, and what they all represent. But, after spending significant time here, a lot of things became clear, and I came to realize, that in the Shadows lies the truth to my secrets, and that it’s only here that I’m able to beat this!

You can break it down any which way you like. Who or what is the dark area and who or what is the body coming between the surface and the FUCKING rays of light!?

In these trying times, if and or when you find yourself in the dark, or in the “Shadows”, I hope this helps you as much as it did for me to write…

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought

untitled.

in the beginning, things were different. i didn’t know any better. all i knew was this overwhelming urge to be numb at age four! fast forward thirty-six years, and i still feel the same, sometimes. i just wanna be numb! that’s it, that’s all, i quit! deport, demean, go, leave, depart, withdraw, retire, forsake, desert, abandon, stop, cease, discontinue, desist, and relinquish…..

i’d say, in the past, i’m not real sure why i felt this way about almost everything. but hey, ignorance is bliss, right? so, i write. i read. then i write some more. i’m sitting here, right now, writing this, just two days away from having eighteen months clean from heroin and that life i lived that i fell in love with. i have lived a lot in that time! i got pretty far from where it was, i was at, eighteen months ago, a top that dune at the beach. some would say, mostly me, i have become less willing to accept superficial interpretations and simplistic answers to questions i was always too scared to ask! i have read the words, “the first step in philosophy is doubt”. “stage one thinking, oversimplifying inadequacies. nothing and no one is immortal, except movement”.

it was some truth i set out after. i was in search for something real, ya know? something or someone that society had not sunk her diseased and corrupt claws into yet. it’s a long hard road to the middle, lemme tell ya!

i guess it was a deeper inner peace i sought after, i dunno. i’m not real sure. i get bored. i got bored, even though, my life travels at a million miles an hour. everything felt, well, stagnant. maybe it’s the addict in me that always craves more, again, i’m not sure. i do know though, i have this insatiable thirst and hunger for life, for more! could it be some sense of self preservation? or, an unconscious knowledge that, if i did not at least seek more or search for something better, than impending doom would come creeping in and overcome me?!

many compare their lives to books and more so, chapters in these books, but, i rarely see people reading or writing?! everything has become digital, computerized, and robots are taking the place of men. i remember, as a child, growing up in illinois, we had alleys. those were the highways of my youth! anyways, that was where i first saw a “garbage man”. he was hanging off the back of the garbage truck with a marlboro hanging out of his mouth, a led zep shirt on, and wearing a bandana. i remember thinking, “wow! you actually get paid to be that cool”????

i have said, many times, especially in the past ten years or so, that all the legends are dying off. whether that meant at the time, someone physically dying or the fact that there barely are any garbage men anymore, it leaves a void all the same…

i feel like i am caught or stuck! i’m not sure how to explain it yet…

so, is my life comparable to a book? yeah, i guess, maybe, if you wanted to read me and put me up on a shelf. books get judged by their covers! books also get burned! books get bought and sold too and i’m not for sale! if i was a book, what would my title be?

i thought about writing a book once, seemed like a set up for failure to me!

what do you know about life, blackwell? not much! what do you know about love, blackwell? even less!

i have come to a few conclusions though. they may not have anything to do with, or coincide with what is going on in anybody elses life right now, but are pretty prevalent in mine right now. 1) to be violent is to be weak! i am not saying that bloodshed is never a requirement, but, for me, it takes more courage and strength to be gentle, to be kind! 2) most people, especially the ones i looked up to early on, will not support me publicly out of fear of what i have and what i will become! 3) it is ok to feel that emptiness! i have this void and at times, its need to be filled is more than i can handle. this emptiness, for whatever reason it is there, means that there is room for growth, room to fill it with whatever i see fit, and whatever time sends my way!

i need an ink transfusion as i am writing more than ever before. i sit here, and bleed on paper…

all that shines is not gold and there is no such thing as a free lunch! i am rich in ways that money will never touch! is money the root of all evil? i am not sure but, i do know that it is a necessity of life. it seems like, the more you have, money, the more comfortable you are. a lot of you will misconstrue that last phrase! i do not mean any way that having more money will allow me to be more comfortable in a sense that i can have more possessions, no! when i say “comfortable”, i mean to be with the ability to turn the thermostat up above 65 degrees. i mean, to be able to walk out of the grocery store with more than just two bags of food for two people, for the fucking week! i mean, not losing sleep because it is supposed to rain the next four days and i won’t be able to work, so, what will i choose to be without? i mean, will i be able to afford to put up a christmas tree this year?

i’m not even gonna say that i am blessed to be where i am today, because blessings are fucken given! and i fought like hell to get where i am today!

even though, the more $ one has, may mean being more comfortable, i do know that it does not cost a single penny to be nice! i know that a simple smile and a hello with eye contact may change or even save a person’s life! i know that this too shall pass, even the good times and the good things! i know that happiness is not a fucking sin too!!!!

i have also come to realize that, only i can save myself from myself and that dogmatic tradition has never done a single thing for me other than let me down. i have proven that one does not have to be religious to be a good person!

i learned that learning how to smile was harder than i ever fathomed! i don’t just mean to physically smile either, even though that was an accomplishment in and of itself, i mean to smile from the inside out and really mean it!

i learned and know, that even though it is hard, it is not impossible to love someone enough to let them go and that at times, it is as much a necessity as it is an inevitability. holding on, sometimes, hurts more!

i turned 40 the other day, but my body feels like that of an 80 year old man. i feel like sometimes, i have the heart and mind of a young child and i have no clue where it comes from as i was robbed of my childhood! my soul feels as timeless as time itself though……

i’m still not sure which helps me more, crying or laughing!?

i know that you can tell a lot about a person from their eyes, or, as i have also heard them called, “a person’s window to their soul”. the same could be said about one’s hands too though. the way the shake mine, the callouses or lack thereof. are they soft and silky or tough and leathery?

i know for me, it took giving up the victim mentality in exchange for that of a creator! there is a fine line between comlaining and venting and some people use that to play jump rope with i have learned that love will fuck you up worse than any drug i have ever consumed too!

so, what do you know about life, blackwell? not much, i guess. what do you know about love, blackwell? even less, still. i do know that i am and addict and my name is jay and i have found a new way to live and that way is as much different everyday as it is the same!

so, is my life comparable to a book? yeah, maybe in some aspects. i’d like to think of myself more like a song though. you see, books, words, sentences, paragraphs-they will be the same every time you open the cover and allow your eyes to drag across them. music though! music has saved my life more times than anything or anyone else out there! sure, if you write down the notes and the lyrics, they will always look the same long after the ink dries. but, to play it, to sing it, to not just listen to it, but to close your eyes and ficking feel it, to become it!? yeah, i’m more like a song baby!

these4 wre some old words i had written a few years ago and never shared, along with so many others. i’m not sure what brought me to them this morning, but they felt like i had just written them and helped me tremendously. so, i figured today was as good a day as any to share them. i hope they find you all in good spirits!

stay up; stay human too…

#builtnotbought

it ain’t easy being me…

Good morning out there! It’s back, Monday! My favorite day of the week! This post, “it ain’t easy being me”, isn’t just about being me, Jay Blackwell. It’s for everyone out there that struggles, no matter what the struggle is. “Me” in the title, is a general sort of me. So, thank you in advance for reading the ramblings of a man that is just trying to find his way through this thing we call “life”. Get in where you fit in as this post will have several different chapters if you will and it’s also a work in progress or the beginnings of something much bigger…

“my name is might have been”

I shouldn’t be alive. I overdosed on heroin, died, and had to be brought back to life, six fucking times. Life has lost it’s lustre to me. Read that again, as it means more to me than what is, at first seen. Lustre, by definition means, “a glow of reflected light: sheen” or, “a glow of light from within: luminosity”.

My environment is far from sterile, but one I have allowed myself to live in. Here I am, sick with infection, and in need of some redemption. If it weren’t for lewd and lascivious acts, would one even participate in the art of brutally honest self-reflection? Go ahead and answer that, as it wasn’t rhetorical, you know, the question…

I started writing on paper without any lines as they tend to be restrictive and force me, they keep me confined. Pressured speech makes what I really wanna say seem so out of reach…

I wish I may, I wish I might….

Someone please, tell me who to believe. In my head, there is a constant fight and it’s one I cannot win. So, I’m constantly choosing to take flight…

Allowances are different than choices one has to pick and choose. What to do, what to do, when my allowances are the very things that are causing me to lose. I feel like I’m always doing only what I am “allowed” to do instead of what I NEED to do…

My mask is a mirror and my senses just became crossed. Sitting here, in tears, and preparring for another loss…

I’m busy hittin nails with a hammer made out of clay; I’m an addict and my name is Jay…

“Hard Thoughts”

It only takes seventeen seconds for the hard thoughts to gain control, as they are fucking relentless! I’m now playing marbles with the stars and the Moon is my shooter. I didn’t come this far to only come this far, but what am I to do, shoot her?!

In my head, inside of my mind…..why am I screaming?!?! Because no one listens to me when I talk. My dreams, my reality, lay there on the ground, reduced to an outline made from chalk…

I think I’ll just plead the fifth, because I get nowhere when I plead the first. I need a ride today. Do you think Uber will send me a hearse?!

“Bits and Pieces”

My insides feel like bits and pieces, and, as hard as I try, I cannot find peace with this. Please stop asking me the same thing again and again and again and again. It’s never been there and I’m beginning to see it will never be, Reciprocity between me and society…

The lines I have drawn were not made out of hate.

The subjective worldly views of others make it hard to breathe. I feel smothered. When will I ever just be RECOVERED?!

I feel happy and sad all the time and at the same time. I find bits and pieces of comfort from being alone. NO! I don’t have an attitude! I just fucking told you, I find happiness in solitude! It’s the only place chaos and confrontation can be systematically dismantled. I am sorry if just seeing my mental illnesses is more than you can handle…

Is this a story or a song? Is one more right and the other more wrong?!

To get up and go outside will surely encompass some sort of fight. I have no conflict resolution anymore, so, I’ll just stay inside and hide from the daylight while I wave a flag that is white. Why are the days so long and the nights so short? I feel like I am trying to eat soup with a fork!

There are times I stayed when I should have left and times I left when I should have stayed…

“Emotional Advantage”

I have never been privileged.

Again, this is a work in progress. I have been sitting on these words for a little over a month and today felt like the time to share them. Something was calling to them today.

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

Mystical Mindfulness…

the attempts have been many, but feeble at best, to put the voices in my head to rest…

when the beat drops, my thoughts, they jump, skip, and hop, and then it happens; I hear that POP! I must allow myself to become who I was always meant. The moment of clarity comes, amidst all of this madness and chaos.

invasion of privacy! I know, I know, I let you in, this I can clearly see. “plurality of forms” and you are now storming the norms…

if you must see to believe, then, by all means, look at me…

if you don’t feed my brain or comfort my heart, you are then in turn, starving my Soul. This only weakens me and makes it harder to regain control, to give you what you say I owe…

the beat just dropped and caused the needle to skip. forced speech and pressured thoughts that have turnt to malevolence. my reality is now surrounded by your fence…

I have done nothing to earn your suspicion, yet here I am, under the constant thumb of attrition. the record just skipped. I think it needs flipped…

now that we’re listening to “B” side tracs, you suddenly think you’re from my side of the trax! after reading this, I will have to endure more of your vitriolic attacks. lest you forget, hatred has no home here, my love, my dear!

it is now with malice in my heart I am forced to go and make a start. the phone rings and the problems begin. how is it that taking a loss, can at times, feel like a win?

the beat is now unable to drop as it skips, as it skips, as it skips…think about this, I wouldn’t wanna live in a world without doubt…

Stay up; Stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

PalinDrome Post 0202-2020!

Good morning out there and welcome to the great palindome date of, 0202/2020!

Many of you out there may be wondering what is so different, special, and or great about the date. Wipe that sleep from out your eyes! Surprise, surprise! The numbers are the same forwards as they are backwards. So, we about to have some fun with not just numbers, but also with words, as it’s been something like 900 years since, in the date, this has occurred!

I first learned of the word, palindrome, while I was reading when I was incarcerated as a young lad. It was one of those things I learned and also thought was very interesting and thought perplexing, but I quickly brain dumped it due to the lack of its useful use.

Here is a little on what I found about this vernacular phenomenon, brought to you by, ThoughtCo., and written by, Kim Bussing, 08-29-18 on, The History Of Palindromes. “Palindrome derives from the Greek word palindromos, meaning ‘running back again’. However, the use of palindromes was not exclusive to the Greeks. Since at least 79 AD, palindromes appeared in Latin, Hebrew, and Sanskrit.

“Lewd did I live, Evil did I dwell”, John Taylor, English poet.

“With palindromes, the same rules of punctuation, capitalization, and spacing don’t apply. For example, the word “Hannah” is a palindrome, even though both H’s aren’t capitalized. And what about words that spell another word backwards, like “live” becoming “evil’? That’s called a semordnilap, which happens to be itself a semordnilap of palindrome”.

Thanks to Kim Bussing and ThoughtCo. for the very useful and interesting information. What an interesting word, palindrome, which is so simple yet complex, it contains a palindrome in it’s definition!

Have fun with this today!

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought

bourgeois blue collar, part one…

transgressions, aggression, oppression’s! ate up, born with no thumbs! public educated, how could i be so dumb? caught up on the fast side of slow, and afraid, that if i don’t lose it, my mind, it will surely blow…

i’ve named it bourgeois blue collar, but, i’ve always only associated it with black leather, long greasy hair, dirty levi’s, and shovel-head exhaust! it was always paid though, no matter the cost…

a shot, a fist full of pills, 17 old style’s, and a joint rolled tight, is what it took to make it through another night, another bottle, and another painful fight. inside! inside that place you cannot get your money back for your soul. especially when you lose your mind. the screams! the yells! but, oh the smells!

it was sexy, the way it all perplexed me. it was then that i realized that i had been built and not bought, especially when it came to my thoughts…

the sleepless knights! the broken bones! the fat lips! the excuses for this! the black eyes looking up at the blue full moon, bourgeois blue…

i guess it was true, the collar of the bourgeois is really black before it turns blue. waking up on christmas morning, seeing nothing but my icy cold breathe and then, just like that, you’re gone, a ghost. whose heart was it here that mattered the most?

what if i can’t this time, run home slow? what if i can’t remember where it is i am supposed to go? stay tuned…

stay up; stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

user-friendly

good morning out there! I’ma jump right in the fire here. don’t believe everything you see and hear. my words, though they come from a place of experience and are bonded with trauma and are written crystal clear, won’t mean shit if read by an unreliable narrator.

here we go, in an attempt together, to become more user-friendly~take my hand and come with me…

this morning though, I’ma attempt to explain how my thoughts come real quick, but they go real slow. jumps, skips, and hops! changing every time that beat drops!

they just jumped from real fast to real slow. I just went from sleeping on them and snoring, to extra-ordinary. so, at the least, I can promise, what’s to follow, will not be boring!

it’s at times like these, when my thoughts are interesting and not racing, when I can control being an asshole. no pressured speech and everything I want is, well, within reach!

~!user-friendly!~

while, at first, my thoughts they jumped like a jack-rabbit, have now skipped and start to claw real slow like a cat at it without any regards to damage control.

my Soul needs to give my mind a hug, but it’s too busy repairing my broken heart. I’ll attempt to explain this, but it is the hardest part. hold on, wait a minute, lemme put some pimping in it! ok, now I’m ready to start. back to my Soul not being able to repair my broken heart, it’s not that it won’t, because it’s ready to start. it’s that it CAN’T! nothing can. not even god’s own hands. and that’s ok, because I’ma prove to you that broken hearts can still love!

now, my thoughts just HOPPED as the god damn beat just ddrrrroopped!

!KABOOM!

they shook the whole fucken room. my thoughts are, from the cat’s paw’s, clawed apart, and now left to my imagination. this mother-fucking broken heart has wrenched my self-determination. collateral damage now becomes imminent and everything is wild, racing, out of reach, and out of fucking control!!!

fuck it! gimme them dice! I want another roll and I need a pair of three’s to become more user-friendly!

oh shit! I crapped out~don’t take this too lightly, but don’t internalize everything you just heard and saw. go read some words from someone with more clout. I’m about to tear this fucking room apart! racing thoughts! broken heart!

I wish I would cycle already. these thoughts are fast-acting and now, my Soul is fasting…

stay up; stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought