The fears from within when I’m having fever dreams! It’s 68 in here, but I’ve got a temperature of 103 degree’s!
Without permission, thoughts become dominant that used to be submissive and are now trapped inside one of the five contextual dimensions~progressive! Up against the wall, I’ll show it all…
This ink is my blood that sets the stage for my words to leap out of the sentence and up off of this page!
Sometimes, they go up into thin air, my thoughts, as I catch myself thinking, “what the fuck am I doing here”? Other times, I’m immersed from the ceiling to the floor, while I’m screaming, “PLEASE, NO FUCKING MORE”!!!
Silence is deafening! So, silently I scream as my mind sprays graffiti!
LIFE! Sometimes it’ll lift you up. while at others, it’ll tear you apart! Sometimes it is dark, and sometimes, well, sometimes it is lite! Them smiles and cries, right?
Sometimes, it makes me feel stupid, and sometimes, because of it, I feel smart. What about those times though, when I attempt to pour coffee in the dark?
Just when I think I’m a smart man, I go and do something dumb like that, and burn my damn hand!
I know longer make my decisions through my incisions nor base them off of any type of organized religions…
Though, it makes no difference how I choose, the former or the latter, cause and effect will turn good decisions bad, and cause everything to scatter!
The “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is something I seek, but may never find, so, I’ll just let it ride…
Even after two years, nine months, and fourteen days in recovery, I try, but still can’t always see what lies in front of me. I lived the wrong way for so long that living “right” seems so out of reach, so out of sight. I do my best not to make decisions that will cause me or my loved ones pain, but I am not always successful at this. Life is a gamble for me most days as I am still so unsure of my ways. I’m not always sure what to do or say. I make mistakes and sometimes I have to make them fifteen times before I realize, the error in my ways. People often ask me why I do things the hard way. Well, why do you assume that I see another way?! I am an addict! My name is Jay!
Thought into emotion and the other way around. They both infiltrate my cosmic weight and not a minute too soon or a second too late and it’s a knew sound they both begin to formulate!
~!A Knew Kind of Heavy!~
I’m not talking about gravity as much as I am emotional prosperity and mental longevity…
Lighter in step and heavier in thought, I just don’t stay there too long to avoid being caught! WonderLust and pixie dust along with a knew found trust!
~!A Knew Kind of Heavy!~
Heavy in thought, but deeper in emotion, it’s all still just a tiny drop in the ocean! One day, again, I hope to find, this knew place I’ve found inside of my mind! I wonder if anyone out there can relate to my cosmic weight?
~!A Knew Kind of Heavy!~
The cosmic weight must be built, for it cannot be bought and once you have it, you must be cautious as it can be lost and even this, comes at a cost!
~!A Knew Kind of Heavy!~
I’m on a low! No, wait! I’m high! I know this because I had to reach DOWN to touch the sky! I knew this existed, this knew plane of existence. I just had to be persistent! Cosmic weight, acid jazz, and some fucking plaid pants!
This post was originally written in ancient Sanskrit, sometime about 3000 years ago, and from the looks of it, it was my own pen that was used to write it with! I found it just yesterday at the beach, floating in a bottle, and at first, I thought it was some sort of gospel written by some sort of colossal apostle.
But, after some translation, I discovered my view to be askew. I found what I read to be a maniacal debacle. The adnation of many minds from just one man. I think it was the Boogeyman!
I couldn’t help but notice how familiar this all, not only felt, but sounded, as I sat there on the beach, reading, while my thoughts were in sync with the waves that just kept pounding~Thunderous~Murderous Sounding!
My heart started racing; I think I was having palpitations. I began sweating and breathing heavy and my thoughts were beginning a mass migration…
These were my words! Pages right from my own journals! Thoughts now that are compulsive~Explosive!
Really, it was perverse how, my emotions, could so quickly transverse!
As hard as I tried, I couldn’t see what was happening here. I was as blind as The Six Men From Indostan and I couldn’t feel my hands! I was outside and no longer within my limits…
The deeper into these pages I delved, the further I traveled into another realm. I began to lose my grip as this felt like another acid trip!
How could this be happening? How was this even possible? My head began to split as I sat there and read “Confessions of a Stone Cold Junky” written in Sanskrit!
What part of my mind was I using, was I able to do this with?
This triggered emotions of which I had no notion and felt like I saw a witch who fed me a magic potion…
And then, I awoke, in my own bed, in my own house, with a fucken gun in my mouth! Calyptic Dreams!
I got a pocket full of posies in a world full of posers, but it won’t protect me, it doesn’t do a thing for me. So, move the fuck over!
It’s been a weak since I’ve had some good sleep. This god damned medication is fucken week!
My life’s become a well-wrought work of havoc. #builtnotbought I may not like it, but you still can’t have it!
Last night, I lost control. I went out and tattooed mt Soul! I keep tryna find new ways to hide my pain, because it only hurts the more I show it. I got the Ace of Spades in my hand, but still I’ll blow it…
I’ve gotten soft in recovery. I’m to blame. It’s because of me.
I got a couple a friends, but a couple hundred haters and one or two that support me…
A couple of things need to change and a couple more need to be rearranged because, for way too long, I’ve felt deranged~being mentally unsound has left a bad taste in my mouth as my face is always being slammed to the ground…
My mercury is rising and it’s not surprising. Is it my mercurial sense this will affect or a mercurial temper that’s gonna leave me lonely…
I lost control and tattooed my Soul because every-time I show you my true colors, you attempt to repaint them! So, this permanent ink is all you’ll ever see again as the pain is now locked in…
It’s become an interpersonal intellectual mind fuck! When certain personalities I’m forced to duck and others, I cannot run from…
I’m always the only one that’s forced to pick and choose and it feels like, because of my decisions, I’ the only one that will always lose.
So, what the FUCK am I gonna do? Who else is supposed to choose When I put myself up on that shelf. Different perceptions of the apperception. What then, is my definition of self? Especially when I feel like someone else!!??
Deeper into the rabbit hole I go because, to cognitive science, I am biased~In the search for an A Priori truth that isn’t transcendentally uncouth
Let the suffering speak! Better yet, let them sing! It soothes me in my time of spatio-temporal processing!
“Sometimes I wonder who the fuck I am”!
Time to begin a “radical naturalistic rethinking of the nature of human existence”! Doing this, will require relentless persistence…
I”m raspy in my mind! Definition of self, I must redefine, but not with one I find, with one I conceive, one that is mine!