Change Your Stars!

img_20161015_19041920161015_175217.jpgGood morning. So, I’m gonna put one of my papers for English class on here. I rewrote it and left out a few things for privacy concerns but the meat of it is whats real and important. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. Here goes something!

The Big Moonshot

Most of you would ask yourselves why I am writing about a shot, being an addict. Well this is one shot worth reading! The moonshot is otherwise known as changing your stars, or your predetermined path in life. Doing this required me to get brutally honest, and clean. This would prove to be a near death experience for me, but one hundred percent necessary. I can only hope that after reading this, the readers will reconsider certain things if on a similar path. Also that you will have the courage and strength to do whatever it is you need to do to change your stars.

I was born dirt poor and on welfare, the second son to a scared father who was never around. When he was, he was so abusive we wished he would go back to wherever it was he came from. I am the middle son of three boys. My family tree consists of a long line of mechanics and body men here up north, and tabaco farmers and laborers down south. So I guess you could say we were lower class blue collar, but proud. Although my father was an abusive drug addict in his younger years, he always worked hard. He instilled in us boys at a very young age the value of a dollar and a hard days work. So early on it became clear to me that this was to be my future. To my knowledge, no Blackwell had ever went to college, or had a high school diploma for that matter. By the time I was sixteen I was passing high school, and had two jobs. I felt like I had arrived. But was this it? This is what my life was to consist of forever? I refused to accept this and was thirsty for more.

I graduated high school in 1995 by the skin of my teeth. After that I worked my concrete job for about another six months or so. This whole time I was plotting and thinking there had to be another way to earn legitimately. So, after much thought, I joined the Marine Corps. I contemplated college, but ny family just did not have the money for something so farfetched. I figured four years in the service, then off to college for me. Boy was I wrong! The Corps was alcohol school for me. A mix of drinking and fighting and chasing skirt was how I spent my time if I wasn’t deployed. The whole time never really thinking about my future. I was living and loving life. I felt like I had arrived once again. Then it happened, court-martial, and an abrupt end to my military career. This would prove to be a crippling blow, one from which I wouldn’t soon recover.

So I went back to what I knew best, swinging a hammer. It was around this period of my life that I discovered my love for writing, and started journaling. I was lost, scared, and confused. I felt as if society owed me. I was disgusted with everything I laid eyes on. I did not get help for people would consider this as a sign of weakness. Because of the way I was raised, and the Corps, I would not allow it. My addictions fed off this as my world began to spin wildly out of control. It was then I realized my universe had become eclipsed by the twisted loyalties of the dope game and things changed, I changed. The whole time I was drinking heavily and doing whatever drugs I could afford or were near me at the time. I began to feel reality and my future slipping from my grasp. Then it happened again. February 21 2011, we buried my father. Now as everyone stood by waiting for me to fall off the deep end, I held fast. I could only maintain this for a short period of time though. In and out of jails, it was not long before I discovered my love for heroin and all hope was lost. Over the deep end I went. This whole time I was using the only weapon I had against my insecurities, my pen. I would write feverishly for hours on end. Mostly drunken ramblings of whatever emotion I had chosen to let overrun my life at the time. Because my life was such a mess, pickings were good. This seemed to help, but it wasn’t enough. It felt pointless to write something I had no plans on letting anyone read. Not knowing this at the time, but these journals would change my life. I could let it out in there. No judgements, or finger-pointing, or blame. I kept these journals closely gaurded for they spilled my soul. Once again, I would succumb completely to the twisted loyalties of the life. I was living on the streets of Gary, IN, bouncing from one abandoned house to the next. Everyday doing the next unthinkable act to just feel normal. I longed for those days of swinging a hammer and pouring concrete. They felt like a million years ago. Closed doors, burnt bridges, and paid company became all I knew. The monsters inside me now had complete control. I was no longer the Jay I once was, in fact, I had no idea who I had become. Unless you have been there, the next period of my life was unexplainable.

I spent all of 2015 in and out of rehabs and nut huts, while simultaneously putting my family through hell. I could mange around twenty days without the drug and then relapse. I was getting kicked out of every halfway house and shelter from Chicago to Michigan city for shooting dope. I woke up on the beach one morning in Michigan City, which had become a popular spot for me to crash, dope sick and broken. I just wanted the pain to stop. At that point I welcomed death. I had lost all hope and given up. I finally accepted that I had become that guy. I was the text-book junkie. Outlaw shit was all I knew. I did, however, manage to get up and go get right as we heroin addicts call it. After that I called Miss Toni, and asked her to save my life. The second time I arrived at Life Treatment center in South bend would be the when and where the foundation for me to build my empire would begin. So there I was detoxing again. My stars were shifting as I went through the most terrifying time of my life. The sweats, the tremors, uncontrollable vomiting and diareah, hallucinations, hell on Earth. I did it all voluntarily though. You can walk out of that place when you want. Which is what I did the first time I was there a few days prior, but only after hustling 60 bucks out of one of the lady’s that work there. Anyways, a few days later, I made it up to residential living, transformed and ready. I prayed, hard. I asked God to give me the strength to do something unbelievable, To obtain the unobtainable. I turned my resourcefulness towards my recovery. Evey move i made counted, or I did not make it. I fought the demons raging in my head, they pushed, I pushed harder. I found an NA meeting for everyday of the week, I quickly found a Bible and started going to church. Again, I prayed hard. I was thirsty once again. This time was different, you see I had already achieved more than any Blackwell in my family’s history. So to believe I was stuck in a certain way of life was absurd to me. I sure as hell wasnt going back to pouring cond=crete and all the demons that lay waiting for me there. To meet what little needs I had, I took the first job that came my way. Along with the NA meetings, I bought a Basic text, carefully chose a sponsor, and started working the 12 steps. Clean days were stacking up fast. One thing I did that the Basic text suggested was to change everything. I was trying to figure out who I was again, were I wanted to go.So I lowered my resistance and took a chance. Then it happened again. This time God shifted my stars in a way I would never thought possible, I was accepted to Ivy Tech. Once again, I am doing things no other Blackwell has ever achieved.Today, with Gods help and a lot of hard work. I have broken the chains. The chains of acceptance I once had towards my so-called predetermined path in life. To me, life is what I make of it. Today is a reflection of choices I made yesterday, as tomorrow will be what I choose to do today, and today I choose to fucking live man!!! I have a choice in how my future unfolds, and so do you.

I am well on my way to a new life with this new set of stars if you will. Everyday is a blessing. Even though I am living yesterdays moonshot today, tomorrows is on the horizon. To say the sky is the limit is not enough for me. I dream with a colorful imagination, not putting limits as low as the sky on my future. I am taking baby steps in giant fucking leaps, breaking the mold all the time! So, to those of you out there that feel like giving up or just accepting the ordinary, please remember one thing. Change is a possibility and not just a dream or a passing thought. So never stop reaching for the stars and live you moonshot!!!!

To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has! God Bless! Go ou there and live today, smile and love on someone!


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