Recovery and mental illness

win_20160929_23_34_30_proWow, so much is said in those four words huh? I am going to let out a secret about myself that few may know. I am bi polar. I have mild schizophrenia. I have ptsd. Basically, I am a hot mess to say the least. I battle so much and I am sure I am not the only one like this. We, I, need to get better educated on this. I do not want to rely on medication soley for help. Because one day, and that day is right now for me, the meds may run out and not be there, then what? Panic crushes everything that I am or can manage to try to be. The whats ifs, the what now, the who, what, where, when, and why becomes a constant flash in the background of a trillion racing thoughts that have become the foreground of my mind. So, I try to have a back up plan. Breathin exercises, exercise itself, mentors, and sponsors. People I know I can trust to talk to. May not always be someone who has the same issues, but someone I know will not hurt me or laugh or judge because things are gonna get really scary, really fast. And when that happens, its like being in a spaceship while im on huge amounts of lsd, going to places i have no idea about in my head, but are almost certainly not going to be pleasant. There is no use in trying to fight it. In fact, I can feel it happening right now. Sweaty, clammy palms is the first thing I notice. Then my breathing becomes erratic, heavy and slow at first, until it shifts gears and my lungs start to bleed hate. Then I reach for the phone and try to dial, but now i notice my vision is off. It may be from the breathing, it may be from the sweat I now notice stinging my eyes like saltwater from the dead sea. Whatever it is from, my vision is not right and trying to figure it out panics me. Thinking panics me but is all I can do, over analyzing everything. Conspiracies form against me, people all look the same, faceless and without fear. No one is answering the phone for me, FUCK! Panic quickly turns on me into something there is no word for yet. I am scared right now, more than I know how to explain, but of what? Come and get me boogey man, I am right here motherfucker. But he doesn’t respond. Its getting harder for me to go on with this right now. I am trying to document these things when they happen and how often and stuff like that. I am working with a very dear friend of mine to try to help her understand this and it is requiring me to be brave in the scariest situations of my life.  I will do this. Me and her will build something somehow some way to help people like me, or at least help people like her understand better so they can help people like me better. As I sit here and pray for God to take this away, I am saddened for those out there going through this and much worse without the hope of help and change. So, I will go on into the fear, quietly at first, until I can manage the strength to scream back and with some new weapons. To those of you out there in the grip of it right now, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has! God Bless Please, no self medicating. There is help available to those in need.

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