Alone in a Crowd

That’s how I feel today. I have these mental illnesses that are really proving to be something not to be ignored. To say I will deal with them how I always have won’t work. I used to deal with this using alcohol, drugs, loneliness, and paid company. Not today. Today it is proving to be tougher than I could have ever imagined. I didn’t say impossible, just harder than it should be for anyone in a crisis situation. It is even more frustrating when the ER doctor wants to push narcotic medication on a person who is telling them they are in recovery, and they say they are not qualified to prescribe anything else because they are unfamiliar with it. What do they teach in medical school these days? Just wondering, My addiction is rearing its ferocious head this morning. It sees and feels I am weak right now. It is telling me to go and put that needle in my arm, that everything will feel all warm and fuzzy. It whispers so gently to me in my good ear that no one will know except you and I, and I keep the best secrets. It can sense when I am weak at the knees. It has been waiting with patience only an addict will understand. It is strong, but today, I am stronger. Even though I suffer all these things my support team is my crutch for these very moments. So, today I will go out and put on the smile that I carry around in my back pocket for days like this. The days where I feel alone in a crowd. The days where there is no time for me to be ill in any fashion. Today, I choose to keep living. The pain I will endure today would cause most to have a nervous breakdown, but it is in no way shape or form greater than the pain I felt on the beach in June wishing I would just die so that pain would stop. Today I will remain positive. Today I will maybe help someone in a similar situation as mine, but still be exploding inside, holding back the tears with the fake smile mask. Today I will love when I feel alone and unloved. Today I will matter to someone. My strength will be someone else crutch. My fake smile mask just may save a life today. If not anyone else, it will save mine. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life will change for the better as mine has! God Bless! Go forth with a smile on your face today, it may be what someone’s14647252_205060569918209_1257082319_o life depends on!


  1. This ER experience was a real eye-opener for me. Watching one of my recovering warriors in the midst of a crisis reach out to emergency medical professionals for help, only to be offered a medication that will compromise his recovery, and then turned away because he had the strength to request an alternative (non-addictive) medication has lit a new fire in me! This is NOT acceptable!

    Everyone wants change, but nobody wants to get their hands dirty. Well, I’ll be dammed if I’m going to just sit back and be another one of the “well, the system is broken… someone(?) should do something” people! I’m lacing up my boots and grabbing my shit stirring stick! Enough is enough! We deserve better!

    Thank you for having the courage to share your experience. Perhaps someone reading today needs to know it’s not just them, they aren’t the only one receiving less than acceptable care. And better yet, perhaps someone reading will find this just as disturbing as I do and decide to raise their voice, too!

    Keep fighting the good fight, my friend. You’re worth it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. yessss! it is bullshit that they did that. theyre just being lazy. even when i went to school to be a medical assistant they taught us alternatives to narcotic meds and alternatives to controlled substances or habit forming meds with every medication we learned about in pharmacology. AND WE WERENT THE ONES PRESCRIBING THE CRAP!!!! so i can only imagine how much the drs are educated on the topic especially now that it is such a rapid growing problem. you would think they would have tried something even if it were a vistaril (allergy pill commonly used to treat anxiety among many others) or something similar to that. there are many others that would be better options but naming them all would fill up the page. the fact that they didnt even try to give him anything else just shows me how much they dont care about someone finding other means of treating whatever it is theyre suffering form. but society will be the first ones to pass judgement on someone for becoming dependent on a medication. i truly feel that with my addiction to prescription meds came from relying on the doctors to help me and putting all of my trust in them and their treatment. i had side effects (short and long-term) that required me to either increase the dosage of the meds or cause me to be put on another med to counteract the side effects i was experiencing. towards the end i was on enough muscle relaxers, benzos, opiates, and downers to kill a hippo…ALL PRESCRIBED BY THE SAME DOCTOR and given the highest amount that can be legally dispensed. and even then it wasnt enough for me. IT IS ALL A VICIOUS CIRCLE. and i feel without a doubt that it is the drs that have helped create people addicted to Rx medication and are keeping them that way. it has become far too easy now to obtain them with the medicaid as well. there is little or no cost for visits and the prescription co-pays. not to mention the hustle of selling them and the dr shopping by paying cash for certain drs and then letting insurance pay for others. i know this all too well because i have lived it up until 9 months ago. the same ER he went to was the one i was sent to and they too offered me the exact same medication for anxiety in addition to a shot of morphine for my shoulder. talk about a panic attack seeing the nurse pull out the pain meds to give me an IV push of it. they usually mail out a paper where u can comment on the hospital stay and submit it but honestly that wont do much if its just from one person. you are right something needs to be done about the physicians continuing to contribute to this epidemic.

    Liked by 1 person

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