That’s how I feel today. I have these mental illnesses that are really proving to be something not to be ignored. To say I will deal with them how I always have won’t work. I used to deal with this using alcohol, drugs, loneliness, and paid company. Not today. Today it is proving to be tougher than I could have ever imagined. I didn’t say impossible, just harder than it should be for anyone in a crisis situation. It is even more frustrating when the ER doctor wants to push narcotic medication on a person who is telling them they are in recovery, and they say they are not qualified to prescribe anything else because they are unfamiliar with it. What do they teach in medical school these days? Just wondering, My addiction is rearing its ferocious head this morning. It sees and feels I am weak right now. It is telling me to go and put that needle in my arm, that everything will feel all warm and fuzzy. It whispers so gently to me in my good ear that no one will know except you and I, and I keep the best secrets. It can sense when I am weak at the knees. It has been waiting with patience only an addict will understand. It is strong, but today, I am stronger. Even though I suffer all these things my support team is my crutch for these very moments. So, today I will go out and put on the smile that I carry around in my back pocket for days like this. The days where I feel alone in a crowd. The days where there is no time for me to be ill in any fashion. Today, I choose to keep living. The pain I will endure today would cause most to have a nervous breakdown, but it is in no way shape or form greater than the pain I felt on the beach in June wishing I would just die so that pain would stop. Today I will remain positive. Today I will maybe help someone in a similar situation as mine, but still be exploding inside, holding back the tears with the fake smile mask. Today I will love when I feel alone and unloved. Today I will matter to someone. My strength will be someone else crutch. My fake smile mask just may save a life today. If not anyone else, it will save mine. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life will change for the better as mine has! God Bless! Go forth with a smile on your face today, it may be what someone’s life depends on!