Walk A Little Slower


Good Morning. Good title I thought. It can mean so much to so many people. It does mean so much to me today. With the way my life used to be and the way I used to live it, this is not as easy as it may sound. I have so many things I need to say this morning so excuse me if I’m a little bit all over the place, but I’m on one this morning. To be slower in any way shape or form in my old life, not just active addiction, but just my old way of life was certain death. I had no reason to slow down and enjoy things and every reason to keep the line moving, and fast. It was a constant struggle, a hustle of epic proportion. My life was on the line it felt like. If I was still those ugly little things called feelings had the chance to creep in and hang around like a bad smell. They were like a rash I could not reach. I avoided them at all cost. When I say at all cost, I mean at all cost. Your happiness did not mean shit to me. I didn’t mean shit to me. I enjoyed nothing. I made myself not even be able to be happy because that was just another way for someone to hurt me, something else someone could take from me. In a dog eat dog world, I learned that to get got was a horrible feeling. So I made it my mission in life to be the one to do the getting. Pretty sure I haven’t invented anything new, but I sure as hell perfected a few things. I’m not the happiest man alive today, but I have my moments. It is in these moments that I will allow myself to slow down and walk a little slower. To bottle up that feeling and put it in my back pocket for those days I lay awake and cry all night. I need those memories. I need to keep making them. So to learn that slowing down would not kill me was huge. It’s a chance to be brave and strong because I sit through a lot more than just happiness these days. I have learned to sit through most of my emotions and allow them to devour me whole. To take it all in. Painful as fuck some days, but necessary. It does pass. Not completely, but it does. When I say it does pass, I don’t mean the feeling as a whole will pass, but that urge to destroy something beautiful right away passes. The need to run and get numb. The need to use dope. Martin Luther King said something along these lines when it comes to time healing wounds, ” it’s the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure-all-ills14799873_205434126547520_101749406_o.”  Now to me this means that by just letting go of something, it , it being time, will not take it away. So what is there? Well for me, time gives me the chance to figure out how to cure my ill, if it can even be cured at all, and if not how to peacefully live along side of it. It gives God time to answer my prayers and show me how to live. So slowing down isn’t so bad today. It’s still hard as behaviors are learned experiences. I must force myself to do this over and over again until it becomes a habit. I have developed many new habits today so I know it’s possible. Most important to me though, I have learned that it is okay to be happy. That no one can truly take that from me.They can try to make me feel another emotion, but the happiness will always remain in the end. I have so many blessings to be happy about today. Too many to list in fact. One of the most important ones  is in the pictures I have attached to this blog entry. Her name is Rachel. She has shown me so many new things and ways to live and experience life.  I truly believe her to be my soul mate. She is such an inspiration to me every day. If you are reading this, I love you, Rachel!. So to all of you out there racing through life, slow down, please. It’s gonna be over before you know it. Walk a little slower, not just today but from now on. You will be surprised at what you have been missing! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day that your life changes forever as mine has! God Bless!!! If no one has told you today, I love you and you matter to me!!!!

 

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