Good morning. I know I post a lot of positive things on here and elsewhere, but my life, as much as I may make it seem to be, is anything but all positive. I have bad days, thoughts, feelings, and emotions that run through my veins like a cold and raging river. I am going to write some things in here in hopes that no judgement will come of it. That who ever reads it will better understand that even though all this bad stuff is within me, I still fight like never before for relief. I fight for my life, daily.
As I sit or try to, breathing has become anything short of impossible. The first wave of emotions has already hit like an old steam engine, hot and dirty. It has devoured every ability I have to fight it and the free will to think about anything else. So, I submit and sit. The sweat starts in my palms first, Then I can feel it running down my back before I ever notice the sting of it in my right eye. As I try to take a drink of water the glass in my hand is shaking so bad that anyone watching me is now aware of something. The next wave comes on so slow I do not notice it until it has completely throttled me. I am sweating but I feel cold. I feel like I am in a room full of people, but I’m all alone and everyone all looks the same, Faceless and without fear.My vision is blurry, I’m not sure if it is because of the sweat drowning my eyes or the uncontrolled heavy breathing and the fact that my heart feels like a sledgehammer trying to blow through my fucking chest. Trying to regain any sort of composure at times like this is like trying to change the weather, impossible unless you are God. Time doesn’t stand still, that’s much too fast. It actually repeats itself. I open my mouth and what comes out completely bewilders me. Instead of what I am trying to say, the screams of every person I have ever hurt makes this sound I can’t describe. This goes on for what feels like an eternity. When it stops, the next wave of emotion creeps in like a cold draft under a door in the dead of winter. I am beyond scared through out all of this. Shame and guilt are just two of the emotions that the clown in my head is juggling. I reach and grab for whatever I can to help, but it is like trying to grab a handful of water. Sitting has become increasingly harder. I am soaked to the bone with sweat. I can taste the salt from my tears and the sweat . My stomach is doing flips and my once dry mouth is now flooded like right before you puke. My head is swirling, thoughts, feelings and emotions are going at whatever comes after light speed. My whole body has pins and needles. So I pick up the only weapon I have that keeps me afloat in this sespool, my pen.I start writting and scribbling feverishly at first. My hand can not keep up with the raging frieght train in my head. Slowly, my vision returns, breathing slows, and my thoughts are now only skipping and rattling around in my head like a box of jacks. As the tingling cease, I feel like I am being slowly lowered back into myself. My heart now beats with the pulse of the lava that flows through my fish net veigns. I’ll continue this tomorrow. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day that your life changes for the better as mine has. God Bless