A glimpse inside of a monster


What i am about to write in here is dated December first, 2011. I have read it everyday since then. It is titled The Note and it goes like this here……Everybody has limits right? Everyone draws those little lines in the sand? When you love someone, when is enough? What if that someone is you? I mean me? myself, you? When do I say that’s it I’m done? Is that selfish? How many times do I force myself, knowing the outcome, pour my heart and soul out to a doctor when all he says is I don’t know how to help you son. How long must I be forced to endure life? How long will I be forced to live these nightmares over and over?Is it selfish to not want to hurt anymore? I always thought of  myself as tough, but if people really knew the scared little fucking boy I am on the inside and how I feel so lost and out of control, you would probably say go to sleep now child. I used to wish there was a way to plug other people into my head so they had the chance to truly experience what it’s like to live as me, but the more I have thought about it, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. It’s a pain that I really have no idea how to explain.It’s so complex and twisted up but so simple in its own intricate little fuck your life kind of way. There is NO escaping it, no way I have ever tried anyways. The faster and harder I run, the bigger and stronger it becomes. When I just lay there and take it, giving in to it, it is the blanket that engulfs me. If I try to ignore it, It reinvent itself. If I tell someone about it, it cloaks itself. It’s a mastermind of unimaginable talent and has an uncanny ruse beyond nightmares.When is enough enough? The why’s and the where’s and the who’s are chewing me up inside and out. Societies ugliness makes it impossible to imagine another breath, I have had enough. Now don’t get this twisted, its not a good bye letter by any means. It’s just a look inside the coo coo clock on top of my shoulders. Stay tuned for part two tomorrow. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine has. God Bless.win_20161116_18_13_12_pro

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