I close my eyes expecting darkness, anticipating it. I need it. I crave it. When I do, that’s when Hell is unleashed. I begin to be tortured, over and over again. Sometimes it happens when I only just blink. In that split second it takes for my lids to come down, I experience a lifetime of hurt. Days on end of shame and guilt. Years of missed holidays, birthdays, and weekends with my kids. An eternity of confusion with no escape on the horizon, because all I see is a darkness beyond most eyes. Anxiety hangs around my neck like an iron noose. I can hear the screams and cries of pain and prayers that I will just get better, if not for me, for that their pain and suffering will end. When I do sleep, or force my eyes shut, the loneliness gets real. Faceless bodies that appear to be family members with the tongues of a snake and the slight hiss in their emotionless voices as they repeat nothing over and again, eventually it all goes back to the screams of pain. A low slow growl if you will. I notice that it is darker and colder than any place I have ever stepped foot. Everything that I have ever known to be good or bring me joy falls through my fingers like sand as I try to keep hold of just one grain. It’s like trying to grab a handful of water. I feel like I am falling and there is no end, no bottom, but the anticipation to crash is overwhelming. These thoughts and shit going on in my head get lost in translation from head to pen. I really can’t explain all of it. I write more about it than I do talk about it for many reasons. One being, who do I tell this shit to? I have many times let out a small easy for the normal person to handle amount of the craziness in my head to doctors and therapists and counsellors. Most cry, when they are done, and the ones who don’t cry are more uncomfortable than I am, say the same thing, ” I don’t know how to help you son”. Some say they never learned how to deal with a case like me. Did any of you catch those key heart-wrenching words they use? I am just another “case” for these people to have to “deal” with. I feel worse leaving than before I went in. They look at me differently. It hurts. So bring on more pain, more shame, more loneliness than I have ever known, more isolation, more running, more just laying there and allowing this monster to emotionally rape me once again with a satisfied grin bearing its ugly teeth and bad breath, more guilt, and more of things I do not know how to explain. Then there is the pathetic attempt to tell a loved one. Oh boy is this a treat for all involved that turns into a nightmare so horrific that I would rather just have my eyes sewn shut. You see, I have lived my entire life without love. Without really knowing what love is, coming in or going out. Pain, lies, and shame frosted with a smile is all I knew. The word itself used to make me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t until recently that I learned the true meaning of love. She is an angel. I have learned so much from her. I owe her so much. I look to her daily for inspiration, for that reminder to love, that love is real. So do I lay this shit on her? Do I awaken her senses and mind to a monster of such a level? Do I show her desperation she may have never known to not hurt anymore? I would rather eat it, the monster. I have grown to learn how to smile while it defiles me. I have learned to love, and what love is. It has become a full-time job with plenty of overtime, fighting it. So why am I writing about it you ask? It is an effort suggested to me by someone I trust. Not my idea. I can only hope that there isn’t anyone else out there that feels this way, but if there is, HELP. I can’t find a way to get around this beast anymore. It’s stronger than I. Trust and believe I do and have always prayed for relief from this, So hold on to that suggestion knowing that it is already in play. I hope you all have a great day. I’m taking it easy today. Gonna write my girl a love letter I think. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has. God Bless.