Smiling in the face of Fear

So what is next? Where does a person like me go? How do I do it? What’s next? Well as the sun rises every morning, as it always does, I am reborn. Every day has its differences, but every day has those painful similarities I can’t escape. My mind is like one of those gps things you would have in the car when I make a wrong turn, it is constantly win_20161118_06_00_19_pro directions for me. The way I took yesterday may not be the way I am allowed to take today, this minute, this second. If I do not allow this to take place my life is thrown into a chaos I have no idea how to explain. I have to just allow certain things today. Those of you who know me know how difficult this can prove to be. When I say take a wrong turn I mean even with small stuff like my routine. I am constantly being forced to change because of what tortures me. I have no idea what it will do to me next. I stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago. It is like it is reborn every day as well. Sometimes many times through out the day even. Sometimes, I feel like I might have already passed into another life and this life I live, this shit I endure every day is the hell to which my wickedness has bought me. I have no other way to make sense of it sometimes. I force myself to push on, minute by minute, second by second. I pray for relief and it only gets worse. As I have said before, God doesn’t hand out bravery and courage, he sends down opportunities to be those things. Not sure why so much is sent to me though. Next time some of you see someone who appears to be having a bad day, make time to talk with them. They may just want you to sit and not say a word. They may want just to feel the simple warmth of you sitting by them. They may not even want you around them too though. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day that your life changes for the better as mine has. God Bless.

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