The What’s Next

I just couldn’t leave the last post open like that. I did, however, want to give it time for people to think about maybe what they would do next, how they would deal with it. Well, I guess first of all if I really do not have a clue as to what to do when the monster in my head is controlling me like a puppet, I don’t do anything at all. I sit there and let him ravage me. It’s not even describable. I have no words to describe it. What I have done though is record myself when this shit happens. I document everything today looking for patterns, or days when it may be worse than others and if there is an outside reason why. I’d like to say when it’s over, but it never really ends, I turn to music, my journals, something creative, for this seems to be when I produce what I believe to be my best shit. When I am done doing this and sometimes while I am doing this, I call someone I love, someone I can talk to. Rarely, if ever, do we talk about what is going on or what the monster has done, or is continuing to do, but other things that help take my mind from it, sometimes a closely related topic. This does not stop the monster but makes it easier to breathe and be something more than a scared little boy. It stops the deafening sound of silence. It gives a sense of not being alone at my loneliest times. When I was using dope and drinking, he never left my side either. He never stopped. He grew with every drink, every time I spiked my vein. He was stronger every time I refused help. His power became so great, I started to turn to it, to accept it, become loyal to its pain. We fed each other for decades, becoming one in each other. He whispers ever so softly the reminders of those days today. All the time I am forced to smile, helping others with no sight of help in the immediate or distant future for the monster that rages within me. I just bite down and go. I don’t know how I make it through the day sometimes. I just look down and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I sometimes don’t pray for the strength to make it through it. I get scared that when I do, God will throw more things at me, more chances to be strong. So I go on more scared than before. What if? What if the people that have committed suicide actually were praying and did not have the strength to face another chance to be strong? That was his way of bringing them home. Now don’t go calling the doctors because that thought has crossed my mind. I am too vain to do anything like that. I am not suicidal. What I am is tired of this fucking monster getting his way. I want and will learn how to defeat it. I am working on something right now that may just be something great. It may be a flop too, though. But I think it just may help some people. I have been doing it for quite some time now and the results are good. I am still working on a big part of it, so until I am finished and three certain people overlook it, it remains for my eyes only. If I had any advice to give someone that may be unfortunately going through this or something similar, it would be to not give up. You, your success, and your story may be what saves someone’s life. I have been there and let the Boogey man get me. I am not saying for you to let him get you, but that if mine gets you, you will live. I know this because he told me so. If he lets me die, he has no one to torture. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has. To those of you out there that may be having a shitty day and need to just finish it out shitty, I understand. Have a shitty day my friend, for tomorrow is coming!!!! God Bless!win_20161118_11_05_59_pro

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