Weathering The Storm

Well I can’t say good morning because of what time it is and good day just sounds weird to me, so, hello to all my faithful readers. Life, that’s the storm I am referring to here tonight. I am not real sure wich direction to go with this because my mind is going at light speed and because of anonymity reasons, I have to be really careful how I word things out of fear of things becoming misconstrued as they so easily can in these confusing times. Lets start out with I have 193 days clean today!!! How about them apples? Crazy huh? I know it is to me. These past few months have flown by so fast. I feel like I have missed out on so much. So much has also changed over time I am not sure where to begin. I am not sure where it all went wrong or if it even did. I tend to overthink everything, especially when I do not know what is going on for sure or if there are an absence of facts in the situation that prevent me from making an educated decision. Very rarely do I make decisions on pure emotion anymore. If I am faced with a difficult choice, I run it by my mentor and life coach. I have a way of bouncing things off of other people without them even knowing that I am doing it. I will also sleep on things too. This has saved me so much wasted time, money, and emotional heartache, just to name a few. There are these very rare occasions when the situation can not be advised on. These little beauties require pure emotion to decide. Oh, how I love these. Can you all tell that sarcasm has become my third language? Yeah, I speak it fluently, but still having a hard time understanding it. I seem to have this rare gift of never making the right choice, or at least thats how my past was. So my dilemma is this here, how do I make a decision on something I am no good at and the only way to get good is to make more of these decisions? It is kind of like building credit in my eyes. In my new life of recovery, I do not like rolling the dice very often. I have in the past few months, sometimes winning and sometimes, well I am not real sure what I got. I have a really hard decision to make in the next couple of days and I feel like I am going to get hurt either way. One way will just take longer and probably hurt more because of it. The other is going to hurt really bad but will leave me with a mountain of what if’s that I am not prepared to deal with. So I turn to God, as I am sure many of you were thinking right? Well, now even that didn’t turn out right. I know I mix signals and signs still today but the one I was sent is even worse than a sign question on the drivers license test. I know right. So now what to do? More prayers? For now, that is going to have to be what it is. I am going to church on Sunday, I just spoke with my church sponsor before I started writing this and she said she will for sure come and get me, so I have that going for me wich is nice. On a lighter note, I finished up this semester strong like bull with a respectable 4.0 GPA. That my friends was and is enough to make me cry! I am crying right now, now. They are both happy tears and just relief tears. I have not wrote in here in a couple of days and I am not for sure why. I guess maybe it was one of those things like in kindergarten where if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I do post on here when things are bad for me and when I am upset because people need to see that I go through all emotions and still stay clean, it is possible, I am proof. I am talking real clean time here too. I see and know so many people that claim clean time when I know for a fact it is not true, but hey not my monkey not my circus right? Some of us are sicker than others and we all recover at different speeds. I, on the other hand, prefer to not pull the band aid off slow, if you know what I mean. I am driven. I am focussed. I have goals and I am living proof that it can be done! Work is going great! I am so glad I stumbled on to that gem, for real. They are all just wonderful people. Real people you know. I love it there. So now the elephant in the room, Christmas. My family, wich is only my mother and sister these days, have seem to made themselves distant from me in my recovery. It is really weird. Next, my girlfriend is going to her “dads” house to be with her daughter and the girls daddy. Not sure I want or need to go any further there. So, I am going to spend it with my new found family, Miss Toni Mandeville and her family. So looking forward to this. Then the year is about over. I am not leaving my house on new years eve, I haven’t done it in years. Nothing out on that day but trouble. So I hope this calm a few nerves out there as I am sure it unnerved at least one, just saying. Please feel free to leave comments or suggestions on here for me. I love it. My email is also available on the contact page as well. I am going to go for now and enjoy a little quiet me time for an hour or so. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine has and continues to. God Bless! If no one has told you they love you yet today I love you and you matter! The struggle is real!win_20161216_18_31_34_pro

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