Just Living…


Hey. Hello. Hi. And how are you all tonight? Hopefully, you have started your holiday weekend festivities as have I. I had a million ideas on what to write about on here for this post. A million different directions with and about a million different little problems. I wanted to talk about how I have discovered how to get and keep my Chi centered. About what I learned about the yin and yang. About how my life needs balance, balance with the dark and the light. Balance keeping the positive coming in at least just as much as I send out. I’m tired, though. Mentally tired. See, Im going through it today. I am faced with some very tough choices to make. I am tapping that untapped energy just to write this. I struggle with certain choices still today. Especially the ones that are based almost solely on emotion. I miss my Dad for these. I have been doing a lot of things he taught me while he was still on this Earth, what I can remember that is. It’s working too, that is what makes me miss him even more. I have done some really positive things in my journey in recovery. I have some really big accomplishments. And for some reason, I still have this void in my soul. An emptiness that calls out to me. I stuff it with everything I can imagine that would fill it properly, but nothing. It’s still a hole that devours anything I put in it without any satisfaction. I prayed about it at church last Sunday, and what the Pastor said really freaked me out. It was like God was talking to me through him. Every day I work on myself in some way shape or form. School, NA, work, working the steps, working with my sponsors, volunteering, church, and I mentor a couple of people as well. The hole still calls my name in a voice that even my bad ears can’t help but hear. It has become an obsession. I tried to ignore it, and it got stronger. I tried to run from it, it ran faster. I am comfortable with being alone these days, so I’m confused as to why I seek out the company of another so feverishly some days. Is it just old character defects creeping back in? I’ve tasted some nice things in the past few months that seem to be slipping away and the harder I grab and reach for one of them, the more it slips away. It’s like trying to grab a handful of water. I watch as the grains of sand of what I thought I needed to fill this void slip through my fingers and I let them. I am evolving. My needs are too. My cup is refillable but is always full of shit, or for some reason, the waitress is too busy to come by my table. So I am taking a break from it, from thinking about it for the next few days. I will pray about it, pray for another sign on whatever it is that should be, will come to light so I can see it. I am with some really good people this weekend. People that have invited me to be a part of their family. My other NA family from out here in City. I miss them and am happy for the new ones. I am tired but this to shall pass. The sun will rise tomorrow and so will I, a new man ready to conquer a new day. So it is with an easy but tired heart I say goodnight. To those of you in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day that your life changes for the better as mine has. If no one still has not told you they love you today, I love you and you matter to me. Send some extra prayers my way tonight and maybe tomorrow too!win_20161223_22_23_34_pro

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2 thoughts on “Just Living…

  1. Beautiful words. I thought only my grandma said “this too shall pass”. It’s great to see it on your blog. Definitely feel connected and more secure now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Miss Elizabeth, thank you for not only the kind words and support, but your trust and confidence in me. It feels good to be noticed for doing and being good today. Please, continue the support. Some days this blog is what keeps me going, so seeing positive feedback from people on here is such a breath of fresh air. Again, I thank you!

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