Momma Said there Would Be Days Like This…

Yeah, but in my house it was my dad. Looking back, he was not only a voice of reason, but a wisdomly one at that. Feelings are flowing these days, right now especially. A lot has come to light in my life the past 7 months.  I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned more about myself more during this time than my whole life put together. I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve become comfortable with being alone. A line. The sight of the very word used to make me panic. Not so much these days. I find peace in being alone. Don’t get it misconstrued, I’m not becoming a hermit. There is so much more meaning to the phrase  than what appears at face value. I’ve learned to notice things. I’ve learned to realize things, not everything,  and sometimes not even before I get hurt, but I find growth in pain. They say what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. I say fuck that. If it tried to kill me it better move around. What makes me stronger is growth, knowledge, honesty, my contact with God. Genuine love, real people on my life make me stronget. Not being vengeful and carrying around spiteful thoughts like a bag of hammers makes me stronger. Addiction has made me stronger. Staying clean makes me stronger. There are things known and things unknown and in between there is Jay. I used to say that, one, because i thought it sounded cool, two, because i really had no clue as to who I was. I’m getting there today. I may not have it nailed down just yet, but one thing is for certain, I know who i am not. I’m no longer little Jay motherfucking blackwell. If you know me from way back, you know who he was and what that meant. Today, I am simply, Jason. A simple man with simple needs and big dreams. I’m not tripping over my feet chasing dreams today, I am living my dream as sure footed as a mountain goat. My life is better today than I actually dreamed two years ago, no bullshit. I never had the courage or strength to do half the shit i do today let alone all of it and more all day every day!!! I live today, I really live. My answers are no longer preprogrammed responses society says are right. I am real from the jump. Honest right out of the fate, specific with shit too. Snakes man snakes. They re everywhere. Hard ti see or hear. So when i get but because i picked one up that presented itself as a bunny rabbit, yeah ima get mad.not for long though. I get it. I understand now. Let me try ti explain. For so long i was stuck. Behaviors do not become that way the first time they happen, no matter which one i bring up. They take time ti become that way. Some i did and do without noticing i was, or realising they are not, or were not healthy. In recovery I have to change everything. How i lived, what i liked, even and especially what i don’t like. Basically stripping myself of myself, leaving a scared, lost, confused  shell of a soul. Im finding that the more honest i am with myself, the easier it has become tochange, to rebuild, to restore, and to live. Just be honest.  I dont like being stuck, i dont like being uncomfortable,  and ive never been kniwn ti be lazy. So each day as dawn breaks, and i rise a different man than the day before, i get up and get  after it! It being life, my life, my future. I usef to say, why does life have to be so complicated? It’s really not, i made it that aT by living the way i was. Life is simple, people complicate it. It may be hard at times yes, but complicated? Not even close. So it’s hard, so was thing your shoes the first fifty times. Learning how to walk was quite  the daunting task. These are necessities,  as is waking up and getting out if bed each day. What’s the alternative? Just laying there?  I mean where did complaining ever really get someone?  Venting is different. Let it iut, cry, but wipe away those tears and do something about ut!!! Serenity prayer comes inti pkay. Ask myself, what have i done or not done to contribute to the current situation? It’s really that simple. I want it today, life. I neef it! So i will continue on with my commitment to remain positive no matter what, ti keep live in my heart. I will continue ti live, laugh, and love! My Dad said there would be days like THIS!  To those of you out there in the grio if it, i pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has. God Bless! I love you and you matter!20170104_103536

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