Word around town…


Good morning. Remaining positive no matter what is proving to be more challenging than I could have ever imagined. It truly is a slippery slope. In a sense this is how I always “appeared” to be when I was in active addiction. The problem now is this, how do I remain positive with this emptiness in my soul? Who do I talk to about this that is not going to stab me in the back? Again. I realize other people are sicker than others, but damn. Na is too full of gossip hounds that are so thirsty for things like this they seek it out with more diligence than chasing down the water truck. Church? I think that’s what I will try next Sunday. Let me back up for a minute. I said this was how I “appeared” I’m active addiction. This is because I didn’t want anyone knowing how fucked up i really am. It was easier to ignore my problems no matter how big or small and get numb, cause chaos elsewhere so attention was diverted. NOT how I want to live anymore, but snakes dont hiss anymore, they say they love you and call you best friends and shit. Loved ones admit hating on me, change up and grow cold with my continued success.  Its confusing, frustrating, and at times just disgusting.  I hear and see things. I always have. In the past this was a quality I used specifically for my own gain, but today, when people come right up to me and tell me things, ask me things, it is no longer me being insecure, or jealous, or controlling. I recently wrote in here about staying centered, finding North on my chi compass. I wrote in the past about being self reliant as well. Well today is the day. The day I take both of these to the next level. I’m comfortable with being alone today, but i am a social person. I love to talk, to share, compare, laugh, love, and to just live today. Well today is a new day. I went off grid last night and did some heavy thinking about the direction of my future, and who to keep in it and who to cut loose. I can no longer love being uncomfortable because I am not making a choice to be happy. The what ifs as i say work both ways in my life. I would rather be alone and bored than in a crowd or with someone and feel more alone than i ever have. I have stretched out of my comfort zone more so than ever before this past seven months, so much so you could call me stretch Armstrong. And shit got better! The things that once were a stretch are now things i do without thinking. So here we go with this shit again! I’m gonna remain positive, positive that life gets better, that there is hope in recovery, positive that i can do all things through Christ. I am positive the sun will rise tomorrow and when i wake up clean, i will be I’m. Smiles and cries! The Struggle is Real! But in the struggle is where character is built! I got This! To those of you out there in the grip of it, i pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has. God bless! I love you and you matter!20170108_104151

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s