Chlorine Dreams with Kaliedascope Eyes…

Good morning to all. Woke up clean again! Funny how if I keep going to sleep clean, I keep waking up clean, and going to work, and brushing my teeth, and showering, and paying my bills, and…. See where I’m going with this? What a life I live today.  FUCK HEROIN! You are right Miss TONI. In fact fuck all them drugs, and that life! While we are fucking things, no I better not. So a few people very close to me have recently said to me that they dont know how i do it, meaning my day and all the things i inclide in it. Well i have and continue to put into my recovery what i put into using and that life. Its funny how much extra mental energy i maintain just by not having to remember lies. Living the way I am now doesn’t require a fraction of the energy I used in active addiction. I had about a 3 gram a day habit, and was homeless. We’re talking some serious hustle capabilities there my friends. At first I wanted to say I don’t know how you can’t see how I do it, how do you not have the energy I do? I guess I did take it the wrong way, maybe they weren’t being haters and really do care about my well being, hmmmmmm. I’m not even full throttle yet, there’s still plenty of grip left to twist! Some or many of you may not know this, but last year in October,  I turned down a deal with a publisher in Chicago  to concentrate on school and my recovery. Yeah that happened. Not a pay for my book to be published kind of thing either, they sought me out and offered up money, expense accounts and all that. So just know what I am doing is not just what I want, but what I need to! Thank you for your concern! I am living my dream and beyond in recovery. All I have to keep doing to maintain is not use! Along with prayer and meetings, and change everything! It’s not easy and some days I wanna tap out, throw in the towel, and or smash somebodies fucking face in with shovel, but I just breathe or cry or laugh, call my sponsor and or Miss TONI, pray and do the next right thing. I WANT to live better today, so I do! No one came knocking on my door and handed me a thing. I forced myself up and out and hit the ground crawling, sweating, not fully defined, but hungry for something, anything better, and I found it in recovery and God. I have starry eyes still i know, but why Not? The pursuit of happiness is given freely in this country so I take it! Get up, go out and get yours! If I can help you along the way, my phone is always On! So it’s a toothless smart ass grin having picture I attach with this blog this morning, play on playa! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has and continues to.  God Bless, I love you and you matter!


Yeah, wassup!?



  1. You’ve had to make some really tough choices over the last several months, but you’ve remained focused on your ultimate goals, and more importantly, true to yourself. One foot in front of the other, you’re going somewhere, dude! I hope you never lose those stars in your eyes, or your hunger for more. I’m so proud of you!

    And yes, FUCK HEROIN!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honesty and truth are the mortar that hold the bricks of my foundation together. Tough choices yes, but just as necessary as the next breath I take. And with people like you in my life tough choices aren’t tough at all! Thank you for being You! Look up true friend in the dictionary and find a picture of TONI Mandeville! I can only hope to be somebodies Miss TONI someday.


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