Because I wanted to destoy something beautiful….

Good morning, and yeah you read it right. Fucked up title huh? Well sometimes that’s how I think still and I am starting to figure out why, slowly but surely. Especially in active addiction, but even when I tried to stay clean before by just not using, and even today still a little, I was comfortable in my own shit. This was self-inflicted or any other, but most of my life was self-inflicted. What I mean is the drama and chaos of that life. This is but not limited to, jail, lost jobs, broken hearts, shattered dreams, multiple sleepless nights, broke, homeless, drama, complete chaos, disorder, bad moods, did I say drama? That’s just to name a few. I was comfortable with that, for real. I lived so long under the gun it became comfortable to me. I used to long for it. I was good at it too. I knew just how to do it to make it beneficial to me and my wants and needs to please my addiction or whatever it was in the twisted loyalties game of life I was playing. Now, today in my transformation into trying to be a better man and live this new life, I am becoming more and more conscious of my true feelings, more in touch with my emotions, and how to react or not react. Have you ever been in a bad mood and just wanted to stay that fucking way? Like LEAVE ME ALONE IM MAD AND WANT TO BE SHITTY!!!! Hard to really explain. When I am that way and notice it today its hard to just be left alone. I do not have my psychology book in front of me but I will do my best to get the facts straight on this. A doctor did a study where he sent 3 or maybe 5 completely normal individuals into the psych ward each with a different set of complaints mirroring those of several types of mental disorders. When they came out of there, even after they let the truth be told, they were never able to shake people’s judgment of them as having these mental disorders.Why is this relevant you ask? Well today, as an addict, living not only clean but absolutely killing everything I touch, I feel as though I am always gonna be just a junky fuck to some people. It hurts but that’s just the way it is I guess. Some things will never change I know this. And why do I care what other people think of me you ask? Well, I don’t really know but I do when it pertains to certain ones. I wear my heart on my sleeve but have found myself shirtless more and more lately. Alone, a lot. Alone with my thoughts. Alone in my head. Alone. I don’t know about everyone else but I have this place in my head, some call it a happy place to go when things get bad, mine is where I spend most of my time. It’s tough to explain. It’s where my creativity and imagination go of the chain. It’s where I am most comfortable. I have a hard time talking to people sometimes. I just do not understand how others think. I don’t wanna say they are not on my level, but they definitely are not where I want to be. Is this rude? There are really only a handful of people I want to talk to most days, especially when I get in one of those moods. It is really hard to shake some of this Marine Corps stuff too. It’s hard not to react how I have been trained to, REAL HARD!!!! I am trying,16106729_347577998959318_1829819034_o though. I still go forth with a smile and remain positive though when it gets like this. Yeah I just lost my train of thought so gonna end it here. I have something cool for MLK day tomorrow. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has. God Bless. I love you and you matter.

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