Vicarious!


Hello, hi, and happy Monday morning to you all. Wow, what a crazy night I had.Nightmares crept into my head ever so slowly, but with the strength and realism, I have trouble explaining. So yeah I have been up for a while. Today’s title is sort of a dual purpose or meaning I guess. Vicarious huh? It’s defined as experienced in the imagination through the feelings and or actions of another person. Now, I’m wading knee deep here and goin in!!! To live vicariously through another’s feelings, that is just a powerful statement right there. I have a hard enough time with my own feelings, why would I want my head in someone else’s? Swamp song, by Tool. I hope it sucks you down! I do, though, live in or let someone else’s, feelings, or lack thereof, control me more like it. It is horrible! Why? I have no answer for it, only what I believe to be the reason I started to do it and what I plan on doing to not do it anymore or as little as possible in a negative way. Here go. Well, I think we all live vicariously through others everyday, at least I do. I mean we all wish we were someone else or could, at least live or act like someone else. I think this is where my first experiences come from, wanting to be or live like someone else as a child. I had a very nasty childhood and will just leave it at that. So I think doing it for a while, living vicariously, It, like everything else in my mind, evolved! It turned into some kind of monster and took control of some part of me and I let it because it was easier to let something else control what was going on inside my head and my heart than to try and do it myself. Then after a while, that just felt like what was normal, what was right and true. See how easy it is for me to confuse what is real and why? I am working on this with diligence, though. So back to vicarious living. So yeah I allow this, or I did. Not anymore. I used to let this control me, I fed off of it, my addiction fed off of it, nuts! I do not know the words to identify all of my feelings today, but that’s ok. New ones come over me all the time, I like it. I like to feel today, to live and experience! I will no longer allow someone else’s feelings or lack of, control me! I just won’t, its not fair to me, or to them. To live vicariously in a certain degree, yes I always will. I can not be a certain type of person anymore. So yes I read some of the things on social media and wish it was me, but I leave it at that. I no longer get depressed because I am not that person and let it throw my life into a colossal shit storm! I like the man I have become and strive to be. I’m gonna stop here with this. I hope you all have a blessed Monday! I hope this post helps a little, maybe to see someone elses struggle with it. To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that you find some relief today. That You can see things do not have to go on the way they have and that there is hope in recovery! God Bless! I love you and you matter to me. good morning Tracy!win_20170122_22_04_42_pro

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