Soaring with “Angels Wings”


Good Morning everyone. Ok, be still, sit and breath. When I am unsure of what to do, I do nothing. To sit and be still is one of the most difficult things to ask of a heroin addict. To sit and be still in active addiction meant to be sick, which, in turn, meant to die. To volunteer my death when everything inside me is already dying. To offer it up because I want to live. So in order to live, I must be ok with the threat or chance of dying. It’s not too much different outside of active addiction, to be still that is. Especially when I’m feeling oppressed or hurt. Who wants to just be still? I move around a lot, constantly doing something. So, to sit still? Yeah, it’s hard and to do nothing is even harder at times! I mean let me paint you a little picture. Chest is tight, breathing has become a chore. Going on an hour and a half of sleep. My phone won’t stop, it sounds like a wind chime going off with alerts. It’s raining and I have to walk img_20170126_063756_285a mile to work because I missed the bus. Homework piled to the sky like a turkey club. I haven’t made a meeting in like a week because of other obligations, so the guilt is creeping in. I have class tonight. The 14 dollars in my pocket has to last me three days until payday and I don’t have a lunch and dinner is not looking possible because I either have to go to class or the library for wifi to do homework. Get to work and can’t concentrate on anything because my girlfriend at the time wants to play games with my head and my heart. Rain delay, go home and come back at noon if it’s done raining. So now I’m not even making money for next week. I need caffeine but I also need smokes because I’ve been smoking like a freight train. My chest is tight as a banjo string, breathing? oh yeah, I forgot, I’m supposed to be breathing, stop sit, and be still. STOP! SIT! and BE STILL! When it gets like this, and it does, I force myself to stop, sit, and be still. It goes against everything inside me, but I do it. Then I pray. My prayers are different today, not so much foxhole prayers ya know? But sometimes they are, though. So I pray, and sit and watch how it all unfolds. Eventually, breathing gets easier. And then my phone will go off again, but this time it will be someone, an angel? Maybe, maybe something close. It’ll be someone that whether they know it or not, just saved my life! Then I go on. Concentrating on one thing at a time until The punch list of things to do in my day slowly are whittled down to almost, well not nothing, but a pile small enough to breathe. And then usually something crazy will happen to have to do with lunch or dinner, somehow it all works out. So yeah to sit and be still even though it never gets easier to force me to do it initially, The outcome is always getting better. It has helped to wipe off my lens of perspective. My angel is someone different all most every time. But to soar with the “Angels Wings” Is how I get through my days sometimes and I am ok with it. The title in the quotation is a Social Distortion song I like. Been jamming a lot of punk and ska lately. Smiling. So sit, be still, and breathhhhhhhhhhhhh. It helps me!!!! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day you find your “it”. That today is your day. God bless! I love you and you matter to me!

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