Hey, hello, and hi. The catalyst right now. Yeah, it’s a Mazzy Star song; came across Pandora a few hours ago and I can’t let go of it. I’m stuck! I’m spun on this one. Sometimes in life, in or out of recovery, I have fallen on hard times and whatever it is causing this seems to take everything from me. I mean everything. The good, bad, ugly. The happy, sad, joyous, and the rage, it just robbed me of my very will to do anything but simply exist, and even that was a daunting task from minute to minute. I’m going through some god damn shit right now in my personal life that I just can’t seem to get past and stay past. I mean it’s minute to minute some days. Other days, it never crosses my mind, simple. The smiles and cries right? Feelings, gotta love them. So I guess let me say this right here; sometimes I need whatever it is that’s got me some type of way to just fucking take it, ‘Take everything”! Take it1 Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Just fucking TAKE IT! Because I don’t want or need it! I would rather start from scratch, an empty shell with nothing but residual feelings of a memory that could have never been. A dream that was bought and paid for with what was left of my heart and soul. Take it, please. Words that were spoken should have never been formed. Thoughts that were eclipsed by your own selfish gain. Yeah, it’s like that. I would rather be empty and start over than feel this. But it doesn’t work that way. I just have to go on feeling this way until it is just a faded old pair of blue jeans in the back of the drawer in my mind that I only pull out when all my other ones are dirty just to fold up and put them back in there until I’m ready to just throw em out or donate them to charity. So grateful I can endure my feelings today. So grateful for the ones I have in my life that allow me to share them with them. Blessed up these days. Smiling right now as that tear rolls down my face. I know it’ll be ok, I just have to hang on. Sometimes, though, yeah just sometimes….
To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better. I pray that somehow, some way, you can see how to just hold on another day, another second! God Bless! I love you and you matter to me!