Good morning everyone. I woke up clean again! 256 fucking days and long ass nights! Wow just wow! I have written about every single little up and down, every single struggle I have been up against while living this new life no matter how embarrassing or personal. I often say that life in recovery is all smiles and cries. I have talked about the in-between days; you know the ones I mean right? Well, allow me to explain. Sometimes my ship is sailing just right on the tides of life and the demons are at bay. Sometimes I am completely content with my current situation. Sometimes I don’t think about completely destroying my life by sticking a needle in my arm again. Sometimes the nightmares go to sleep themselves and allow my brain to resort back to some sort of autonomous thinking. Sometimes that “blue light” is white or non-existent. And these sometimes are starting to stack up. This used to scare the shit out of me simply because I lived in fear of that other shoe dropping. You know? I never could seem to figure out that it wasn’t just the drugs and alcohol in my life that was causing my problems. I had to change everything, everything! Sometimes realizing what needed to be changed, or added, or subtracted from my life proved to be just as difficult as the actual act of doing so. I can’t remember the last time I laid awake all night thinking of how to kill myself, again. Or, the last time I wrote a suicide note. In fact, I still have one that I wrote very shortly after my dad died that I do read every single day of my life. Maybe ill put it on here sometime. I was in a very strange place in life then. Not that where I am today isn’t strange in the sense that it is all new to me. Anyways what I am trying to say I guess is that I no longer fear that other shoe dropping. I have been through so much these past 256days that my confidence is built up sky high. It’s my confidence in the tools I have acquired along the way that I speak of. The meetings, the Basic text, My sponsors, yeah plural, my phone lists, this blog even, these are just some of the things that have been saving my life. The Bible and church are two more tools in my toolbox. The serenity prayer! I have learned to simply enjoy the good days, the level in between days that aren’t full of drama and pain. That other shoe, if and when it does drop, ain’t gonna be that bad. As long as I continue to do the next right thing no matter what, things have had a way of working out. You can call it whatever you wanna call it, but I call it today! Soaking it in today like a sponge! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day that your life changes forever as mine has. God Bless! If you have not heard it yet today or even if you have, I love you and you matter to me! Smile until it hurts today!!!!