“Wake Up” I am not Alone…

Good morning to all my True Believers out there that made it through another night! I woke up clean again, 261 days and long painful lonely nights! So again I will fall back on a song and yes again it will be from Lane Staley, but this time it’s from Mad Season, a band Lane was in that closely resembled Alice in Chains. The song title is part of this blog post title, “Wake Up”. Ok, 16710520_360546747662443_171453440_onow why “wake up, ” you ask? Wel, have you ever listened to this song? I have heard it a million times before in my lifetime, in and out of recovery, but last night when it came on over Pandora it fucking woke me up. I don’t mean literally, I mean it sparked me. It woke up parts in my mind that were asleep, that were dormant in a certain way of thinking. This song is many things, it’s sexy, true, real, deep, raw, and gritty all the while its still not enough. I’ll start with just the music. If you don’t even hear the lyrics and just could play the music alone it goes along with the emotions my heart and my fucked up mind rollercoaster on, on the daily. It starts out all slow and intense only to spike at the brink of maddness pushing the envelope of getting committed. It still happens to me today, those emotional and mental complete fucking breakdowns. The freak outs that occur when I may be smiling on the outside because life and the way I have chosen to live it will not afford me the opportunity to just let it out when and where it happens. I mean sometimes I have to just disconnect and be alone. This has only happened like three times in the last 261 days. It’s in these times when I am almost alt a loss of controlling it. Scary I know, but honest and real more important. I can’t really put into words what I mean when this happens, but I will try to paint you a picture using this song as my brush. Around four minutes into this song, if the version I want to upload on here goes through, it changes up, transforms in a very minuscule way to what happens in my mind, my heart, and with my emotions when it comes out of me. It’s like total mind and body change. I am not Jason for a few minutes. I become this monster with no face just a mouth that when it opens to cry out for help all that comes out are the screams of pain from every soul I have ever caused any sort of harm to. And its deafening! My skin crawls. Goosebumps the size of hail and colder than ice. Sweating, crying, laughing, screaming, and whispering softly all at once. Anything that gets in my path in these times has the potential to be destroyed beyond recognition. And sometimes, just sometimes, I am relieved of it as quick as the song changes. Slowly transforming into the pile of wadded up hurt on the floor drowning in tears. Tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of frustration. tears of content because I didn’t have to use during it all. Tears because I hear a song like this and realize I am not alone that in a sense I have been awake the whole time, kind of, maybe sleep walking at times, though. The words to this song are so fucking real it hurts. I am jealous I didn’t think of them first, but happy that someone else out there felt similar enough to me to write this song because like many other it has saved my life a few times, So wake up my friends. Open those eyes and minds. Wipe off your lens of perception. I know I talk about liking being alone more and more these days, but I KNOW in my heart that I am not alone. I know there are people out there just like me and some or even many have it worse off than me that my struggle is or was no harder than your, it’s just that, my struggle. You are not alone, if only me, you have at least that. My contact info is on my contact page here and I never shut my phone off! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes for the better as mine has and continues. I love you and you matter to me! God Bless and stay up…

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