To die on purpose…


Hey, hello, and hi. Fucked up title I know, but I did. 261 days ago to be exact. I was tired of living the way I was living, so I made the choice to die, to just fucking let it all go. I gave up dope and the life that was so strongly attached to it, Any heroin addict knows how completely fucking scary that was! Because to not get that next hit meant to get sick and that was worse than dying. When you die the pain ends, hopefully.  It was one of the top three hardest things I have ever had to decide to do and follow through with it. I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made, though. My life has been better the last 8 months than I could really ever had dreamed of, for real. In fact, I am doing things that I would not have even dreamed off. My dreams never ever consisted of the things I do and accomplish today. Getting clean has truly changed my life. I put in a lot of work, yes, but I still struggle pretty bad with a couple of things. My need to carry the weight being one of them. I feel like I will never be able to repay not just my family and loved ones for what I have done, but society as well. I feel like I must carry the weight of others that can’t yet because I put my shit on everyone else for so long. It hurts. It’s not that it’s hard, most of the time, physically I mean. It gets complicated to try and explain. I feel guilty still. They say in recovery not to let your past mistakes control your future, and in the same breath, tell me to remain humble and to not forget where it is you came from. It is said that the newcomer is the most important person at every meeting because it reminds us of the struggle. How am I not suppose to relive that shit over and over and be guilt free? How do I not remember what I felt like being homeless and dope sick in Gary on the streets, the cold mean streets and the things I did to not feel that way and not feel guilt and shame and hurt and pain? How? I mean I don’t let it control me, well I guess I do in a sense. I work tirelessly towards my future, my degree so I can help people not hit the bottom I did, to help people not hurt and learn how to live just a little bit better than they were the day before, but I also do it because I feel like its what I must do. Am I making sense? I feel guilty for sleeping in on an off day because I should be up reading something for school or just work on something productive, anything. Like if I take the few hours off to sleep or watch a movie that someone else disease is getting that much stronger than me. That I will never get that time back. So I don’t even really enjoy all that stuff anymore. I like reading and writing in this blog and all my journals and yes I am working on a book but that took 39 years to make and I am not done writing as every day is something more to add to it. I can only hope it gets published while I am still alive if ever even. I wrote this next little bit on the train earlier her go,,,,He sits with the sun and breeze in his face. He is looking up feeling the warmth of the sun as the tears run down his face with grace, each one a memory of his past. Each one for the face he has seen the last. Each one for the addict who struggles to make it through the night, and each one for the ones lost to first. I stopped there because people were staring at me because I was crying as I wrote it but I will finish it sometime tonight. I have some personal things going on in my life right now that I don’t really want to put out there, but I had to feel and live addiction today more so than I ever hoped to today. I had to explain some things to a lost, sweet little girl that I hoped I would never have to. I don’t just mean about addiction stuff either. It was hard. I love and miss this kid more than almost anything else out there. The struggle is fucking real! It’s16709390_360814384302346_1820706874_o fucking real! Prayers to those having a hard time tonight! You can do this. Going to be a long night, one I won’t soon forget. To that little girl, I LOVE YOU kid! I am so happy you found me! I am so grateful you don’t hate me! I am so proud of you! You know who you are! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine has. God bless. I love you and you matter! To all my true believers out there, stay up…

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