I’m Broken…


Good morning to all my true believers out there! It was a long night for me. PTSD reared it’s ugly head and refused to let me feel like I had anything close to control over anything. I did sleep for about an hour combined. I usually do not eve try to go back to sleep but I did this time and it didn’t.t help. I am Broken for sure. I am not just as bad as anyone out there I just do it without using because I have found a new way to live today. I feel the pain. I fucking am pain some days and nights. It keeps me centered. Sometimes I just let it in and sit in it for as long as I can withstand it because I feel like I deserve it. Sick I know, I’m sick. But it’s this curse I feel like I am unable to shake. I awoke to the song BROKEN, by Seether on my earphones. Its such a beautiful song but youtube would not allow me to download it on here for whatever reason. So please take the time to listen to it if You have never heard it. It says what addiction wanted me to believe was true of myself without that next one ya know? It made me feel like I was always in need of it that it was bad to feel anything and if I did I was sure too die and I believed it. Why not? After all drugs and alcohol were my life, my best friend, my wife, my everything I ever sought out and couldn’t find. Drugs were always there. They never said no. They never judged. What they did was keep me numb and broken in a way that also kept me out of the light or unable to have hope that there was light or anything like it. They fucked me up almost beyond repair. I was almost at that point. So when I say I am broken today what I mean is I am broken as in I gave up the dope the desire for and let myself die. I came to terms with feeling and emotions and let them in. I realized that there is hope and see the light!!!! I am willing to start from the bottom as a baby, an infant, a child and learn from nothing the right way and live today. I have trust in people and their suggestions for how to live a better life. I have faith in God. That he has me, he has a plan for me and will always be there for me, with me. There is doubt in just trying, there is also failure in just doing, BUT, there is also unbelievable accomplishments in doing. I am broken yes, but I have the glue I need to put back the pieces. It is the broken ones that the light shines through the best!!! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever16910800_367009330349518_1239944071_o as mine has. God bless. I love you and you matter to me!!! Stay up…

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One thought on “I’m Broken…

  1. Sorry you had a rough night. I can’t see things getting any worse being in recovery and with how strong you are so hopefully that means they will eventually get better. I’ll help you in any way I can with this…hand in mother fucking hand Blackwell. Love you sweet baby. xo

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