Good morning to all my true believers out there that made it through the night!!! I woke up clean again and that yellow key tag will become mine this week!!! Yeah, thats happening! I am the arrow from which the bow of recovery has shot me powered by Hope with the strength of God!!! Yeah, so the title this morning is from an artist whom which I have become to fall so deeply in love with. Ray Lamontagne! This dude a badass! The song I speak of this morning is called ‘How come”. I have never been more jealous of something in my life. I will quote his lyrics specifically this morning as to not get anyone confused that My words are my own words and his, well his are just off the fucking chain!!!He talks about how ” hopelessness got some by the throat” and I have lived that way for far too long when I was in active addiction. He says ” Faces long and grim, souls are getting heavy and faith is growing thin”
Now maybe only another addict will truly understand that statement, but it got me in fucking tears this morning because when I felt that way I felt like dying but couldn’t realize that I was slowly committing suicide. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to just fucking stop man! But in order to do so I had to get clean, and without that next shot of dope, I would surely die! So as I have written before, I did. I decided to die and the words to this song mean something a little bit different than the would have if I would have heard it back then. They remind me of where it is I came from and help me see things in new ways also. I see the struggle is real every day. I live it, I am struggle.Being trapped by addiction and the life I chose to live to get the next one, along with the oppressive stigmas from the judgemental eyes of society made me feel like I was reliving a nightmare day after day after day after day… I guess in all truth I was. My actions the day before gave birth to a new monster every morning that only a shot of dope would momentarily quiet. ” Fears are getting stronger, you can feel it on the rise..” Fear, fuck everything and run, or FACE EVERYTHING AND REBUILD! I choose to face it these days. I have just let the boogie man get me in my nightmares. It ain’t that bad! I have been through way worse and lived to fight another day. Now he runs from me!!he doesn’t like it when I spread the message of hope in recovery but fuck him!My anxiety is sometimes just a dizziness of freedom I am not used to having. Give this song a listen, I promise you, you will dig it. I promise!! I gotta get going. Keep your heads up for real for real. Happy Monday! OH yeah, It’s Monday fucking morning, I almost forget! I love MONDAYS!!!!! Some are sicker than others I know!!! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine has and continues! God bless and stay up! I love you and you matter to me!!! I just wanted to add that I have come to the realization that it is ok to not understand everything all the time. To just let go and let God is a relief, a breath that is easier to take. Loosen the noose!!!!