Good morning to all my true believers out there. So I am going to go ahead and post this note I wrote back some six plus years ago, but first I must say that by doing this I am in no way shape or form in this state of mind these days. I am simply doing this so that everyone can see the struggle I was in. I read this every single morning and have since the day I wrote it. It keeps that close to me. That, being the loneliness of the struggle. The pain I once felt that had me so down in a hole that I felt suicide was the only way to alleviate this hurt and shame and pain. The only way to escape the demons, the fucking boogeyman was my only friend. If at all possible for you to play and listen to the song I posted, Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Biscuit, while reading this, I would appreciate it.So, here we go,,,
Everybody has limits, right? Everyone has those little imaginary lines they have drawn in the sand right? When you love someone, when is enough enough? What if that someone is you? Ya know, you, yourself, ME?When do I say, That’s it, I’m done? Is it a selfish question? Are you in my head? How many times have you poured out your soul to a doctor, only to have him tell you” I don’t know how to help you son”? How long must I be forced to endure life? How many times must I relive the nightmares? Is it selfish to not want to hurt anymore? How dare you, I, play God with my life right? I feel like it is what he wants. I feel like the time is now. I have always thought of myself as tough, but if people really knew the scared little fucking boy I am on the inside, and how I feel so lost and out of control, they would probably say “go to sleep my child”. I used to think that there was a way for other people to just plug into my head. To be able to be me so to speak, to be able to feel what I feel and see as I do through my eyes and hear what I hear, to truly experience what it was like to be me, but the more I have thought about it, the more I never want anyone to feel the way I feel, EVER! Its a pain I really have no idea how to explain. It is so complex and twisted up but so simple in its own intricate little I fucking hate you and die sort of way. There is no escaping it, no way I have ever tried anyways. The faster and harder I run, the bigger and more powerful it becomes. When I just lay there and give iv, it is the blanket that engulfs me. If I ignore it, it reinvents itself in some new way. If I tell someone about him, he cloaks himself. He is a mastermind of unimaginable talent and uncanny ruse. So, When is enough, enough? The whens the where’s the whys the who’s and the what ifs are chewing me up and societies ugliness is more than I can force upon myself another minute, I have had enough, I’m tired and am going to sleep…..
So there it is. My suicide note from over six years ago. I read it everyday and cry. To those of you out there in the grip of it, or maybe writting your note, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine has and continues to. God Bless and stay up. I love you and you matter to me!!!