What’s good out there tonight? Success huh? The meaning of this may vary on who you ask. To some it may mean keeping up with the Jones’. Or having the best yard in the neighborhood. Fuck I dont even know that many examples. I know I’ve been lost for so long though. Success in active addiction for me meant to first, not get sick, second, not die, and third, not go to prison. The order of the last two changed but mainly my goal was to just stay numb. It started out for me at a very young age, wanting to be numb that is. Now when I say numb, at the beginning at least, I meant to just not have no feelings,bad or good. I grew up in a different household than most could fathom, real talk. So I mastered the art of having no feelings because I felt robbed of the good ones most all the time and that felt worse than just not feeling good in the first place. As time went by and my life evolved so did my need for chemicals to keep with this numbness I speak of. Fast forward to my clean date last year and I had to learn how to feel, not all over again, but because I never allowed myself to ever really feel, it was learning for the first time.And many may think yeah ok and so, but I wish it was that easy. I slowly began to drop my walls of protection from any feeling, letting in one person at a time very selectively. Started out ok, seemed like this was all gonna be ok, this feelings shit. Once in a while someone would hurt what was left of my blackened heart, i would cry and dismiss it and move on. “Friends” started stacking up. It seemed as if I had won thelottery. Doors were opening and I felt as if I had made connections that would last a lifetime. WRONG! Certain people when there needs of me changed, began looking, talking, or just not talking to me at all, as if i was just another heroin junky trying to be something they thought i would never be. I will just let a sleeping mangy dog lie on the rest of that because to proceed would only get nasty. The bottom line is my life change or i was blessed actually on my nine month clean day when I found out I was going to become a father again. So school and that whole dream had to be put on the shelf. Now I made this decision because children and a family in general have requirements. Money is a big one. Insurance another one. A place to call home which we can only have with money is another huge one. So, I did what my dad did, I liquidated a few assets to buy myself some tools and obtained a union job. That right there secures the top three huge requirements of having a healthy and happy family. I do not regret my decision in the slightest bit. Ever since I was a very young lad i thought the “normal” family life only existed on t.v. I know I know I am pretty far from normal and dont really have a clue about day to day life as a father and husband, but my dad didnt raise no fool! So yeah I’m living a new dream, or at least giving it my best! Back to the whole feelings thing,I’ve been cut pretty deep by many people in the past two months, so much so that i resorted back to so me old ways of being numb, without the chemicals of course, thinking that it was really the only way to get through life without bitch slapping people on the daily. Well once again i was wrong. I see who is genuine and who is only out for themselves in trying to feed their insatiable thirsty ass need for glory! I also see the ones who say yeah I’m here for you just so they can run back to the glory hounds thirsty asses with my next moves and possible failures! Lesson to be learned here, be more selective and keep my circle small! To those of you I may have shut out or been short or cross with, I sincerely apologize publicly and will do so face to face one by one as we interact. I’ve heard keep your friends close and your enemies closer, FUCK THAT! Thats for fake ass bitches who have no idea what being real is all about! I’m pretty surgical with an m-16 from 500 yards! No need for people outside of my circle to be any closer than that! So thanx dad for showing me the true definition or success. Me and my family are gonna be just fine! To those of you out there in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine gas and continues to! God bless and stay up. I love you and you matter to me!