Broke down just short of paradise…

20170429_102241Good morning. Or is it? Are they ever really good from the jump or is it all just an illusion, smoke and mirrors? More lies and deception  than any one honest good man should have to bear. It feels as if the sun will never rise again. I just wanna go to sleep and not ever dream again. Because they always fall short of reality. Nothing is ever as it seems. Nothing is pure anymore, my heart is broken, ripped, and torn. Turning cold and barely beating, it’s end it will soon be meeting. “Pray”, I hear someone say from the other side of the universe, but I can’t bear to even do that for my God is a giving god, but only in opportunities  not what i pray for. And one more opportunity will for sure have my face to the floor. So I sit and breathe. Heart blackened and full of hate. God Bless and stay up… the corrosion song I posted up before this is the bee’s knees! It all slips from my grasp like trying to hold onto sand. Falling backwards with my eyes closed hoping for a soft landing or at least one the just goes black. Up go the walls because no one is loyal anymore. Not sure who is trust worthy. Not sure who I can really let it out to. So i swallow it down, deep down, into that place I haven’t been in a long time. That place that’s always welcoming and looks good from afar, but the closer I get the smell gets worse and worse. The smell from a lifetime of broken dreams rotting. A lifetime of failures and everything good I was ever robbed of. It’s all in there decomposing like my soul. Again i lay here as it devours me because to run would be useless. It’s faster. It’s stronger than a thousand armies. It’s shifty and crafty. So I let it happen, the raping of my soul! Watching as it gets bigger, the hole. It overcomes me like falling through ice. I can’t feel it’s so cold. Pins and needles have turned to knives and rusty swords being slowly jammed into my body. And i lay there and take it, not moving because it won’t help.  Been here before. I can see the angels watching as it happens, as if my reaction will determine what they do. I just close my eyes, but it doesn’t help because the backs of my eyelids are like movie screens that never go black. Then it starts making noise. Not voices telling me anything but shrieks and wired loud thunderous noises that coincide with bright flashes. These flashes are just white light at first but the more i stare at them trying to go blind, they start  revealing all that is or has been painful in my life. I’m sweating and can’t breathe but I’m cold. I feel like everything just started spinning, and fast. Total loss of control. Scared to move. I feel like I’m on the edge of another plain of existence, another world. It only gets worse!20170427_191355

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12 Comments

  1. Bless you. You write beautifully though your pain is palpable. I think it will get better–you have to believe it will. I’m so sorry for the pain you are enduring at this moment.

      1. My 3 sons are recovering addicts. They did terrible things while using and there were so many dark days for us all. They are sober today. Today is. All we have, yes? I look at you and see my boys and I just feel compassion for you. I will keep following you. You keep writing. 💕

        1. Very well written I know that pain as I have endured it 8n the Marine Corps and they only have me 800 mg Motrin in which I had to crush up and put in applesauce. I unfortunately know a bottom I hope few will ever have the displeasure of experiencing due to drugs and alcohol. I’m coming up on 11 months clean in four short days and it would take someone putting a gun to my head to take my clean time because they would be taking my life before I spoke a viegn again. The drug that causes me more pain and heartache than I have ever know is a four letter word called LOVE. It will fuck you up worse than any dope I’ve ever tasted! Keep writting, I like your style! Stay up…

        2. Shit man. The love part. Sorry your going through the heartache. In my book, you’re winning. Togo through all that craziness and NOT use? That’s what’s up man. That’s great. Well, let’s both keep writing and keep up with each other. Stay clean and do the next right thing!

  2. Reblogged this on A Pierman Sister and commented:
    This man’s description of what it feels like to be struggling to stay sober just touched my soul. He writes so beautifully about such a painful existence. Bravo, sir. Stay strong.

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