And then “it” HITS!

Hey. I’ve been dying to get on here all day long and life wouldn’t it allow it. Yeah, life, there i go using four letter words again. So damn much has happened this past 11 + months of my recovery, but this past two months boy! My emotions have been thrust into a deepness I never imagined. Almost as if someone hit the nitrous button. I am still so new at all this, you know, living life on life’s terms, the next right thing, NOT USING! You know the hardest part of all this pain she caused me is that all along my gut said to run, get away from her! A lot of people warned me as well. They say love is blind, but my eyes were wide open as my heart was. I’m not sure i ever even loved that little girl because she never really even showed me who she was! It was all a lie, fake as fuck, a hustle! All i was to her was a way and mean to get more except her more wasn’t drugs. I was Got! I don’t like getting got but how do I trust someone without trusting them!? She cut me so fucking deep man! I’m down! Broken and lifeless! Everything is grey, no color. I feel like how you feel when you get knocked unconscious,  that very very strange dream land i float in until I come to. If any of you have ever been knocked out you’ll understand the next few lines. The “it”I speak of is what it feels like when you come to. Your world if fucking chaos! No matter what the cause of you being knocked out is, when I come to its like being on an alien lifeforms planet! Sensory confusion. Can’t breathe, gasping and choking. Clawing at my neck but nothing is there. Eyes watering and can’t see, or if I’m bleeding everything is red from looking through the blood in my eyes. No color, everything is grey. Ears are ringing so fucking loud it feels like everyone else should be able to hear it too! People are looking at me all crazy like it’s a God damn miracle im still alive. Fucking panic takes hold and rips through me like a bum through wine! Pain! Pain! It hurts! I hurt! No relief in sight! Dizzy and spun the fuck out. Heart feels like it’s gonna explode! I lay back but the ground never comes. I fall into this black abyss of confusion. STOP THIS WORLD I WANNA GET OFF! I’m afraid for the first time in my life! I didn’t think it was even possible to feel like this! More so, I didn’t think someone that said they loved me could be the one to cause this! It hits man. Like thunder and lightning  at the exact same time with a flash brighter than a million Sun’s! This too shall pass right? I hope. My face is to the floor and my heart is in the dumpster where she left it! I’ll write more on this later! Be fucking real with me or be gone from my life! Whoever said its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is wrong. Or, may Be they weren’t really in love!? Maybe it’s me? Maybe just maybe. I don’t know much, but i know this fucking hurts  and since I’ve been clean, I could not bring myself to ever do this to someone! I hope today is the day your life changes forever, for the better as mine, well i hope it does. God Bless and stay up…20170509_201316

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