The fear of What is out there…


G’ morning. Haven’t wrote in here much lately. I have my reasons. But the time is right. How soon is now? The song i posted before this fits my life in recovery to the mother fucking T. When he says, cannot breathe the open air, its like i breathe mine and you yours and if we share I die. Adfiction, no life, whispers things in my ear daily every second telling me I’m insane, I’m sick I’m crazy….its a constant battle with my own mind. The door to the cage has been unlocked for some time now but I’m so comfortable in here I don’t want out now. Wierd? Day by day, minute by minute, shit, second by piece of second I fight with my self. Jump out of the plane Blackwell,  you didn’t pack the chute though, trust, it’s a bitch. Time has proven to me, that when it all burns down to China town, I’m the only one left standing around, matches in my hand. So I sit. I breathe. Cry a little and then laugh. I am crazy! What of it? More so than i care to admit. I’m crazy for not believing i can do it. For having second thoughts. I graduated Marine Corps boot camp with honors! I survived a horrible heroin addiction. I’ve even done some crazy shit in my life and survived. Someone asked me last night how i felt about turning 40 this year and i said, Happy! I never thought I’d live this long! The fucked up part is I’m just now starting to live my life! Many might think oh you should be happy, excited maybe. I wish i could plug those people into my head for thirty seconds! The simple things that others can pay no attention to, fuck me up beyond words! The Struggle is real folks. Not using is the easiest choice i make everyday. The hardest one sometimes, is to open my eyes, my heart, my mouth. Life, she’s a bitch and moves really fast. I got her number! Though…Im jay, and I’m an addict. To those of you in the grip of it, I pray that today is the day your life changes forever as mine has. God Bless and stay up. I love you and you matter to me.20170523_082904.jpg

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