The Clouds of Doubt

G’morning out there. Can you see me? Can you FEEL me? Woke up confused. Panic snuck in when I wasn’t looking. I go outside for a smoke, that crow is back again. There’s thunder in the distance and lightning on the horizon, no sunrise for me today. A cardinal swoops in and the crow chases20170726_061236.jpg him away. I can’t light my smoke cuz Im ate up and born with no thumbs! Sit still and breathe Blackwell. Addiction is whispering in my ear. Worrying has never done me a God damn bit of good, but seems to be all I do lately. Planning for a tomorrow I’m running from is so overwhelming. I reach down and punch my arm to see if I still feel, to see if this is all real. I feel as if someone is smothering me with a pillow. The weight of the world is on my chest. I look up and lightning cracks. There’s something wrong with my eyes, I haven’t cried in weeks. Numbness has taken over without notice. What was once panic has now turned into something much nastier! Something there are no words for, only old Gaelic drawings! How do I fix something that I don’t know is broke? So i smile. I know I CAN breathe even though It feels like I can’t. Thick tainted air! Like breathing underwater in that cesspool of broken dreams! There’s broken glass in my boots, so each step becomes more excruciating than the last! Wait! I can feel! Pain! I know that’s right! So my chin sinks and that smile fades. My lips won’t part anymore and the pen becomes a million pounds. Raindrops of impending doom start to fall from those clouds of doubt and I slowly become saturated in all my failures past. Letting go slowly, slowly, slowly, GONE! as I look around, everything is unfamiliar,  just different. Change? What though? How? To those of you out there in the grip of ot, I pray that today is the day you need it to be, whatever that may be. God Bless and stay up…

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