Just another day as an addict…


G’morning out there! Shared a few very important songs to me before this post. A couple of John Mayer songs that, along with many many others, help me make it through the day, just another day as addict that is. Some of you out there may have no idea what it’s like, living as an addict that is. Not to mention a man with disorders such as I. I’m pretty sure the proper terminology for it is co-occurring. Which means I not only suffer from the disease of addiction, but several types of mental disorders. Fucked up right? If time never stopped, I still do not think I would be able to explain it fully. Ok so, 5 am, the alarm is going off. I wake up if it’s one of those few nights I was fortunate enough to be able to sleep. And if I did, sleep, hopefully I was lucky enough for those ptsd nightmares to not wrap me with the lead blanket of fear. So, 5 am, I’m up. Already my head is in the clouds. The clouds of doubt. Can I do this again today? Survive. Is today my number? Do i have the courage strength and hope to be able to make the right choices yet another day? Addiction now sees her chance to creep on in and whisper at first, all the things that she does to power the sail on my boat on this sea of fears it drifts through. I’m tired but I get up and put my feet on the ground anyways. The phone starts. It’s singing and ringing. People. Where do the people go for help that people turn to for help? Coffee and a cigarette are first thing on my mind. Then some prayers. Then my planner for the days scheduled events. The whole time, the phone is going off and I’m on 4 different conversations helping out others who haven’t even,asked how my day was before they begin with what they needed. Now my schedule is off. Reroute, replant. Some things get omitted, others added. Overcome and adapt and this becomes the norm until that one day comes where nothing can be added or subtracted. That’s when life will creep on in to let me know she is still there by kicking me in the nuts while slamming my face to the ground! Don’t use no matter what Blackwell. Sit still and breathe Blackwell. All the while time does not stop. Appointments are made some things get accomplished then I realize I haven’t taken a breathe! Life got so fast I forgot to breathe. My stomach growls, when did I eat last? Phone won’t stop! Don’t use no matter what. thus. Be here. Be there. Don’t go there. A text message gets misunderstood. Enter unnesisissary drama. Feelings, insecurities, and bad thoughts start to take over. The comfortable place I used to dwell, you know, where all my broken dreams go to finish dieing, that nasty little ever growing cesspool of hurt and pain, yeah that place. It’s where my disease of addiction starts making look good. She says do it! No one will ever know. First thought bad thought. All the while, all this is going on in my head, my heart, my soul, my entire fucking body, I have to uphold an appearance, I have to maintain a level of strength or courage, not just for me but for others who look to me whether they admit it or not, know it or not. Then comes a day when it’s raining out. Things just get way fucked  up in those days and i can’t even go there right now. Thennnnn,, life, she will force me to my knees by entering someone or something from out of another universe to let me know everything is gonna be alright.20170810_205642.jpg20170812_074039.jpgmaybe that’s God giving me a little breather. I’m not sure. But I’ve seen over the last 14 months my hands grow a little stronger.  My praying hands. The hands I JUST HOLD THE FUCK ON with. Those hands. Ima go spend the rest of the weekend with my woman. Life has given us a little breather this weekend before shit starts to get real when school starts and my new job. So to those of you out there in the grip, I pray! I love you and you matter to me. It’s just another day as an addict.  God Bless and stay up!

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