Buenos Dias out there! Can ya hear me? Can ya see me? Or can you at least feel me??? Runnin and gunnin means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Along with other things in life, constantly evolving, so do the meanings of words or words that are grouped together such as runnin and gunnin. I have nightmares more often than I have dreams when I am fortunate enough to sleep anyways. But I have had the same boogey man nightmare since I was a young lad. You know the one I mean right? Where it seems like you are runnin in quick sand with lead boots and that boogey mans hand is about to grab you and then, BAM! You wake up sweating? No? Well, I still have that one. But I have a long time ago wondered what the fuck this punk was gonna do when and if he ever caught me! And let me tell you what, it’s a bunch of built up hype! He a punk and ain’t about shit! That’s just one version of that phrase.
Yet another one could mean what it meant to be out there in active addiction doing the next fucked up thing to get that twenty dollars to continue killing myself one bag at a time. But, that life I lived for so long, has ways of spilling over into other areas of my life. This is where sublimation comes into play right? What is sublimation you ask? Well, its sort of like switching your energy from doing maladaptive shit, to re-harnessing that energy and focus it on positive shit. So, being a heroin addict, I was on the move all the damn time. Because sitting still meant I was not gonna get that money and that meant to get sick and that meant essentially to die! Hence, runnin and gunnin. But, that meaning today has changed. I am still on the move all the damn time. In fact, several people have called me hyper. Maybe I am hell I don’t know. What I do know is that I am Jay and I am an addict. I want. I need. Give me give me give me! More More More! Sublimation though. I have a hunger for life in recovery! I have found that new way to live so to speak! But, this is also where balance comes into play. Constantly seeking that perfect blossom.
I ain’t perfect! I make mistakes! I get caught up in that recovery runnin and gunnin. Caught up trying to feed the beast! The beast being that insatiable hunger for more because I am Jay and I am a fucking addict! Sit still and breathe Blackwell! That hand I’m holding in the photo here! She helps me sit still! She is the balance on my crazy roller coaster of life! I may have her hand in this photo, But SHE has my heart! Since you are my Sun Mickey, we can share the Moon! I love you!
To those of you out there in the grip, I pray! Let me in or let me down! God bless and stay up. I love you and you matter to me!