Rainwater…


Hey, hi, and hello to all. ” life got hard but we just came harder, spent some time in the gutter like the rainwater”. Those are some Boss ass lyrics right there. They came from some new music I stumbled across about 3 am this morning. Them train tracks huh? HAHAHAHA! How many times I wished I was from the other side. How many times I wished I wasn’t white trash. How many times….You see where I am going with this right? Wish in one hand and spit in the other and tell me what you end up with.

I never tried to mask my insecurities with jokes as much as I just did more drugs so I didn’t feel those insecurities anymore. In fact, I didn’t feel at all, good or bad. I stayed numb. I perfected the art of being numb way before drugs were introduced to my life. It evolved though, my need to be numb that is. Life for me as a child was not simple made complicated by my thoughts and feelings and emotions. I was born into complication. I lived so long using this as a scapegoat. Then, I joined the Marine Corps. I mastered the art of being numb, reinvented it if you will. I did complicate my life after that more from not feeling anything, from ignoring everything stuffing universe size shit into a box fit for the moon.

I’ve been involved with people intimately from the other side of the tracks so to speak and what a joke that was! Never again. Real recognize real for sure and some of the realest folks I have ever met were always standing right there next to me, on my side of the tracks!

I am proud of where I came from! I am proud to have changed my stars! I will never forget where I came from. I will work in areas like that when I get my degree, no wait, When I obtain the right number of clean days required to work at an organization in that field. I have already worked for one, interviewed at another and was offered the position when I have the required amount of clean days.

So I guess what I am saying in this post is I am proud of where I came from. I would not change any of it. It helped me become the man I am today, and I love him! Be you. do you. be proud. Be humble but don’t be afraid to let motherfuckers know!!! I am Jay and I am an addict!!!! Let me in or let me the fuck DOWN! To those of you out there in the grip, I pray. God bless and stay up. I love you and you matter to me.

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