To love the uncomfortable…


So, I posted a Bryan Adams song before this one. I have been listening to it non-stop for a few days now because there has been something drawing me to it like a motherfucking magnet! I have finally got it. I think. So they say in this twelve step program I am in that all you have to do is change one thing and that is everything. They say that recovery is not just staying free of what you are addicted to but cleaning up your past and living for a better today and tomorrow. It has then become a new way of acting for me. Or not acting, or maybe one better, NOT REACTING! But does that make me numb without drugs still? How does one not react? How does one run to what is uncomfortable and new? That song, RUN TO YOU is what my love for Heroin was like if you could sum it up in a song. Heroin was my wife, my best friend, my lover, my hater, my run to if you will.

Some of you may think it’s a slippery slope listening to this song. Why would I want to when I am trying to change? I am not only trying to change myself but the way others think too though. Others being maybe the ones who have no idea what it is like to have such a love for a toxic chemical such as heroin that they would allow themselves to be homeless in one of the worst cities in the USA, Gary Indiana. They may not know what it is like to have a love so deep with heroin that they will do things for it that will put them in prison for the rest of their lives and make your own mother turn her back on you and tell you it made her sick to her stomach to see my name on the caller i.d. no, I doubt they will know that just by listening to this song but maybe it will help others out there explain the way they are feeling or just be content to read this and listen to it and know that they are really not alone. Maybe it will help that one person whose money aint came through yet and they cant cry no more because they are so dehydrated from throwing up because they are dope sick and have not eaten in days and his or her mom turned her back on them too. Maybe, just maybe…..Stretch outside what is comfortable for the greater good of my recovery, for my life, my future, my today. Stretch and reach and fight and claw and surrender and pray, but love harder than I pray because it is what I would want someone else to do. Sit still and breathe Blackwell. I don’t  have to RUN today…16709390_360814384302346_1820706874_o.jpg

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