I REMEMBER!


G”morning out there. Am I Loud?! I write on here a lot. I read a lot too. Unfortunately, I do not read that many other people’s blog posts as much as I read shit for school. In fact, I don’t do that much extra-curricular reading while classes are in play, as much as I like what I have to read for school, I don’ consider it extra-curricular. Anyways, what I am getting after here is I just got 500 likes on my blog, 4realracovery, just the other day. It took me a little over a year and is a huge accomplishment for me even though when I do read other bloggers’ posts on WordPress, I see that some of their posts are getting hundreds of likes individually.

For me, it has almost always been about quantity instead of quality, well, at least that is how it was before this time in recovery. And as I have admitted in the past and wrote on here, some things are harder than others to unlearn. I did and do get jealous when I do not see hundreds of likes or even views on my posts for that matter. And I mean no disrespect to the likes and comments I receive on here as they are all much appreciated and taken to my heart. But I received a comment on a homework assignment that opened my eyes a little. It forced me to look at things through not only a cleaner lens of perception but maybe a whole new one to boot!

It seems as if the quality is where I am heading from now on. And maybe if I am lucky, quantity will follow. But as this young lady said to me in her comment, if I only help or reach or just ONE person, that one person may help One more and so on and so on…..So thank you to the young lady that helped me out here!

 

Ok, so this brings me to my next photo of the day.22312268_470621706654946_968521304_o22281311_470199030030547_226841796_oI was organizing my filing cabinet last night and stumbled onto an old phone of mine. I immediately started thumbing through the pics on it and I found this one! I must say that there are no filters on in this photo. This was a shot of me a day or two before I went into treatment this last time in June of last year! Fucking crazy right! This is where I really hope people are listening and can hear me and take the time to fucking think about what I am saying. I posted this right away on another social media site without thinking about it first. I was so in shock and proud I wanted it out there immediately. Well, that has not changed, the fact that I am shocked and proud, but this photo is hanging onto my soul!

They say to never forget your last high and as much as I wish I could forget that and the life that went right along with it, I will always remember it. I will remember the courage I had that day! I will remember who was there holding my hand and giving me the support I needed. It wasn’t just one individual, but a whole organization that had my back that day and ever since, again, quality not quantity. I will remember that I had to die first in order to learn how to live. And again, I go through this everyday only on different levels. I WILL REMEMBER! I will remember the pain and shame and guilt being the only things I could feel as much as I tried to numb myself because being numb without drugs had died decades before this photo!

I can’t stop looking into the eyes of that person in that photo. I WILL REMEMBER! I get goosebumps and his stare shatters my fucking heart! I WILL REMEMBER! As much as I will remember all that pain and shame and guilt, I will remember all the hard work I have put into my recovery and where it has lead me. Everything in recovery does not have to hurt! I am telling you it does not! I remember that shit every day when I am stealing the thunder from the sky and letting the lightning out of the bottle! It isn’t a bad thing to feel and in fact, is one of my greatest assets! This photo though!

I am Jay and I am a fucking addict!!!!! We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me the FUCK down! I want everyone to know this! It is okay to remember the last high but don,t ever forget this, WE DO RECOVER!!!!!!!!!! To those of you in the grip, I hope. Hope you all have a great weekend! I got a date with Leatherface tonight! Stay up! I love you and you matter to me!!!

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