Hey, hi, and hello out there. I write in here, on here, about a lot of things. Happy things, sad things. Good things and bad things. I celebrate accomplishments for all to see that addicts can and do change. I sit still and breathe Blackwell, look back on failures and rearrange.
It is no big secret I am an addict and lived my life the way I have for as long as I have. I am still, at almost seventeen months, an infant amongst giants. I realize that at times I seek praise for those things I should have been doing all along, things that others are and have been doing for years, decades even. But every once in a while I hit that mark and do something amazing. SOmething others can’t or haven’t or won’t for whatever reason.
I write on here about things I do not understand, things that may confuse. Never did I think in a million years they would be for your amuse. I used to only write down my inner-most secrets and feelings in a journal that would either be lost or burnt or whatever. I never really had dreams or goals of any importance that I felt were worthy enough to share or write down for that matter. More importantly, I never really had anyone to share them with, again, no one of any importance anyways…
I find myself more confused than ever about the meaning of a word. In saying this, I do not just mean what my interpretation is of this word, but those around me as well. I wonder how many people think of themselves as intelligent, but cannot even spell the word. I know, I know, Einstein failed math, right? This word though. It has scared me for decades. More than just scared me, it has scarred me! Stabbed me, cut me, drown me, abandoned me, left me for dead! Is it al just in my head?
This word. It can be written using many variations of letters to spell different things with the same meaning. I guess each one of those meanings have many definitions, many variations, many interpretations, and many mixtures. It has so much power. A power that those who are fortunate enough to have it will probably never know until it is lost or what they thought they had, they never really did anyway. Power. It definitely has the power to do good, to help and save and comfort, to heal. A power I have only seen on T.V., or read about in a book and never really had what I thought I had. But like anything else in this world, it has a devastating power that only a few are aware of and if I believed in god I would thank him for that.
This word though. Is it one of those things that are more of a sense, a state of being almost? I feel like I am without this one, this sense. I keep looking but it evades me. Smoke and mirrors. The second hand on the clock of time tics the slowest! It is because of this word I am at my lowest. I look and feel. I touch and I taste. I sit still and breathe Blackwell with my one good ear to the track to no avail.
Family. Blood. Clan. Folks. House. Kin. Kindred. Kinfolk. Line. Lineage. People. Race. Stock. Tribe. FAMILY!
I wrote this post three days ago and let it sit on my laptop as I sat and thought, slept on it, and thought some more. I came to the realization that I have no idea what this word means. I mite as well be written in Spanish. When I look back at my “family” I cry, A LOT! I had no childhood and was forced to endure things most grown men could not. I seen and witnessed things that most gangsters haven’t and it only got worse. In return and during active addiction, which was 95 % of my life, I was no family member to be desired. I lied. I stole. I cheated. I ABANDONED! Those are the lesser of the evils I did to what I considered my “family”. From what I had seen and experienced, I thought this was normal. WRONG! The second hand of time can means more to me than just what I see on a clock. The second chance clock. I am out of chances with 99% of my blood family still alive. My head and my heart are swirling, feeding off one another. They are overflowing with emotions and questions and feelings. The answer to the question is always no, I know this, but maybe I do not wanna hear yes to some of my questions? Wrong questions? Right answers?………..
To those of you out there in the grip, I hope. We do recover. Look around. Let me in or let me down. I am Jay, I am an addict. I am a father and a son. I am a brother, a cousin and an uncle and a friend to many but this morning though…