Hey, hi, and hello out there! “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”! I worked late last night and slept in this morning so I missed my two hours of it’s only me, my homie Duke, and the anticipation of the sunrise. The world after seven am is diseased and corrupt already.
SO, as many of you may or may not know, as I have quite a few new followers, June 5th,2016 was the day it all started and ended for me. The dope game and my active addiction ended. My twisted loyalties and eclipsed vision were set straight from Askew. I detoxed from heroin, pills, and cocaine. I was more lost than ever before. To say I was scared was an understatement but it couldn’t be as bad as what I had already survived right? So the “journey” as some say, began. I was an infant in every sense of the word looking everywhere and to everyone for everything including my most basic survival needs such as food, water, and shelter.
As I approach my seventeen-month clean time anniversary I cannot help but look back and reflect and celebrate some accomplishments. To look back at my failures, the how and why’s. Back to seeing my therapist once a week and last week we discussed the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve as well as the major up’s and down’s of the last seventeen-months. We arrived at a couple of conclusions and for the most part, they are between me and him.
We spoke of a couple of things that I need to eliminate from my life and why. One of them is social media. When he suggested that I said whoa doc, Pump them brakes. We spoke further and came to a compromise or me just being half-way happy and I guess if I had to be half-way at something, happy would be it. Hiatus. That is the word for a while. I will be taking a hiatus from most of the social media sites I visit regularly and I must say it is almost a relief.
One of my favorite philosophers is quoted as saying, “When did a Dragon ever die from the Poison of a snake?”. My answer would half to be I do not know but if a snake ever did bite me, and they try every day, I would have to think I would almost rather be dead. A lot of snakes out there on social media. A lot of naysayers too and as I have already said apodictically, I wear my heart on my sleeve and dodging all those snake bites are wearing me out.
For the most part, “I and me are always too deep in conversation” anyways. That was some more Nietzsche. So that, along with some of my other views which are in the process of changing has brought me to another conclusion and this one is no compromise, there are just certain things I cannot and will not tolerate anymore. I have no room in my life for them and I am not going into detail about them, just saying.
I have come a long, long, way since June fifth of last year but I am still light years away from where I want to be and might not ever get to the final destination but I will never give up. The time and energy I was putting forth on social media will now go into other more prevalent plans of action that all started out as a flicker, a dream but are picking up strength as each sunrise reveals itself to us. Thinking philosophically has me asking questions that I may never find the answers to and I am okay with that because thinking keeps me on my toes, sharp. I no longer accept answers that I cannot question, perceptions!
It is a long way to the middle, hell with the top. I have scratched, clawed, bit, choked, and fought my way to where I sit as I write this post. I am Jay, I am Marine too! I am a fighter, it’s in my blood. I will continue to fight and scratch and claw, one homework assignment at a time. I will trudge through as many eight hour shifts being overworked and underpaid at a job that has no meaning or purpose other than to keep me and mine fed and fund the projects I will no go balls out on! I re-centered my chi last night and I feel like a different person today!
To those of you out there in the grip, I hope. We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me the fuck down! I am Jay and I am so much more than an addict! Stay up! I love you and you matter to me!