Hey, hi, and hello out there. Almost time for class but I wanted to squeeze in this post because I am feeling some type of way about a few things. What do you know about life Blackwell? Not much! What do you know about love Blackwell??? Even less! I do know this though, when I was in active addiction if someone said: “all you gotta do is this” for that next bag, I was doing it so long as it didn’t involve prostitution on my part. Notice I said on my part? I was that sick that I allowed and encouraged it actually with whatever “woman” I was with at the time. I stopped short at NOTHING to get that next one so I did not get sick! NOTHING! I scratched and clawed and fought for it. I even walked over four miles in slippers when it was well over ninety degrees out and I was dope sick to the trap on the hopes that I would get a front because why? Well like I said, I stopped short at nothing. Criminal shit! Animalistic shit! I DID NOT CARE! I did not give a shit about anyone or anything outside of getting that next bag. I wasn’t even gettin it to feel good. I did not want to feel anything! Not even good. I just wanted to be numb, for it all to just “go away”!
With that being said, when I did decide to get clean and die in order to start living, I made a commitment to myself. I was going to put into my recovery what I put into my efforts at getting that next bag, all within the laws now of course though. This made it all even harder, following “rules” if you will. At first, I did rely on everyone for everything, but as clean time stacked up, my recovery process began. I started to rely less and less on those around me and became more self-sufficient. Notice I said only more self-sufficient because I think we all will remain reliant on others for a few things in life, no? Anyways, I had to go out there and fucking get mine! No one was handing out anything and they didn’t when I was in active addiction. There was a price for everything on the streets! EVERYTHING! So why now that I am in recovery should anything be different? It aint! I see so many people that use being an addict as a crutch to limp through fucking life and hang on others. I will not do your work for you!!! I, we, you, nobody was sharing dope! Why should shit be different in recovery? I got mine! Get Yours! I couldn’t just throw up my hands when shit got tough and say oh well I prayed about it so it is in gods hands now and now I am just going to do nothing but try and emotionally manipulate others and guilt trip them into giving me what I want or need because that is just easier and well I prayed about it so that justifies it! WRONG FUCKING ANSWER! You didn’t even fight?
Recovery and the unknown that comes with it seemed scary at first yes. But in no motherfucking way was it any scarier than having the business end of a shotgun in my mouth as I sat in the trap while it and I were being robbed, AGAIN! I can go on and on about the scary shit but I think I made my point. It is new yes, life in recovery, but what do you expect? More of the fucking same? Naw, not me. I embrace the new and welcome change with open arms when it comes to things not being bad anymore! Get Up And Go Out There And Live! Too many people out there are just sleepwalking through life with their finger on that snooze button. Hands out and arms up in the air with prayer. Pray with one hand and spit in the other and tell me what you end up with? I am not saying to not pray. If that is your thing then get after it. But that cannot be your only action!!!!!
The next thing I do not understand is the whole “Anonymous” thing attached to certain support groups. I didn’t care who knew when I was using but now that I am changing my life for the better we gotta hide and not be seen or known? Fuck that shit too! It is a stigma that society has viciously thrown at us that has made those before me “think” it must be an anonymous program because once an addict always an addict to most people out there. Maybe if more of us didn’t fucking hide the fact we are recovering addicts and take off the cloak that stigma would go the fuck away! Just a thought….
Gotta go to class now and get on with living and loving and laughing!!!! To those of you out there in the grip, I hope. We do recover! Look the FUCK around! Let me in or let me down. Stay up. I love you and you matter to me. I am Jay And I am an Addict!!!!!!!!!!!