Hey, hi, and hello out there. What a foggy, wet, and chilly start to the day. When I was still an enlisted Marine we were given Missions to complete. Failure to complete these missions usually ended up with someone’s death, figuratively and literally. I am thinking that this is where my fierce drive comes from. We used to go on “humps”, or forced marches that were usually many miles with A LOT of weight on our backs and even more on our minds and in our hearts. We once covered 78 miles in just under 24 hours. They taught us, me, many things that helped to not forget about those things on my mind and in my heart, but to put them somewhere inside of you that You did not go back to until the mission was complete. This helped us focus on the task at hand, or “mission” without getting clouded and then someone dying. A dead Marine is no good to no one!
I do not want to say I lost this quality or ability but the mission has definitely changed. I can no longer just pound ground and squeeze a trigger. I must have feelings and emotions and deal with them accordingly as well as help others around me figure out how to deal with theirs. I love today.
Sleep deprivation! We learned about that the hard way in the Corps as well. But as I have already made clear, I am not an enlisted Marine any more surrounded by a bunch of blood thirsty hard legs brainwashed into not feeling anything but hate. I surround myself with people I want to keep around and that want to keep me around. Not that I did not or do not want my Jarhead brothers and sisters around me; it’s just different! Crying and laughing and laughing until I, we, cry, Feeling and it being ok not something I must hide. 15 hours of sleep in a week is not enough for any one man even if he is not working or doing anything for that matter. That is what I got for the last two weeks, 15 hours a week and that is being generous because half of it was it thirty and forty minute increments when and where I could. I found myself living on caffeine and hate once again and for a man that does not even use the word hate, that is a bad thing.
It caused some damage in my life for sure. I allowed it to though. It drove a wedge in a few places. It caused me to get behind in a couple of other places. Well, even though I am not still an enlisted Marine, I am a Marine all the same. I will and have started to overcome and adapt. I made an emergency appointment with my therapist and we talked, well he talked and I cried and attempted to talk at first. Then we came to a couple of conclusions and I went about my day with this decision resting on my shoulders. Me and mine had some good long conversation and I think we are at somewhere that the mission can still be accomplished and everyone is happy, except me, I am only half-way happy. But that is because I am Jay and I am an addict. I want what I want and I want it now!!! In the end, though living life to the fullest does not mean living it to be the busiest.
To those of you out there in the grip, I hope. We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down. Stay up. I love you and you matter to me!