Hey, hi, and hello out there. Woke up clean once again, still ugly though. Whoever came up with the term beauty sleep is a fucking liar! The struggle is real right? Some people, in my life anyway, seem to just skate through life making it look so easy. Even on the days where I appear to have it together, I am just one thing away from a complete and total meltdown, a fucking explosion of epic proportion. My smile is only on the surface at times, while inside I struggle……
The struggle is different every day, but it is the same too. I am still learning how to, “cut off my pride and buy some time”. One thing I have come to know about the struggle, besides the obvious, is that when I notice that I am in the struggle today, I also notice that I am still fighting as well. The struggle huh? Is it really that bad? Am I just making mountains out of molehills like I used to when I was in active addiction in order to get what I want? Do I really want it as easy as the guy who seems to just skate through life? Is he REALLY skating through life as easy as he seems? What is his struggle? Am I looking at life through my lens of perception that is clouded with an “Artificial Red”?
I try with all the fervid imagination I can muster, to see another way around some of the struggle, but sometimes it is necessary to just go through it I guess. Sit still and breathe right?
Choices and decisions. What is right and what is wrong. There are rules in recovery and this life I choose. Does anyone ever really do good for no reason at all? I guess that depends on who you ask. To feel and to be numb. What do I do when it is my feelings that will end up hurt in the long run? Where do I turn to cry?
No longer running from my future and one foot firmly planted in today has me making decisions I never thought I would. Reaching down and grabbing a hold.
To those of you out there in the grip, I hope. We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down. Stay up. I love you and you matter to me.