Hey, hi, and hello out there. I used to say that I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot. I have been thinking about this lately, a lot. I may have, once, a million lifetimes ago and sometimes I may at times still today. I think today though, it is more like I wear my heart around my neck! My love for others and their well being chokes me right the fuck out.
Some are going to read this and get upset and that is sad because the thought of that tightens that love noose around my neck just a little bit tighter! This may be written in English but to read it though, you must first be proficient in that language that does not exist yet!
Take for example the fact that I am still saved by the needle every day! You read that right. I am and many times a day too. It is a different needle though. This needle is the type that drags across a circular piece of vinyl and brings me peace. It keeps me whole, grounded, centered, fuck, all of the above! Sit still and breathe Blackwell while my lips are turning blue!
I sit. I breathe. It feels as if I am underwater though. Not just to breathe but the movement as well. It is comparable to trying to run away from the “Boogeyman”, movement that is. Lead feet with arms that weigh a thousand pounds while the hand that pens this post feels like a nine-pound hammer!
It is said to be a selfish program and that I must do for myself otherwise I will not be any good to anybody else. They say the only ass I can save is the one I sit on but I am not buying that shit! Someone’s feelings always get hurt when push comes to shove in the decision-making department. The way I am wired that someone is more often than not me. My feelings, My wants. My dreams and desires are the ones that go up in flames and in the end I am the one standing there with the matches and the can of gas as everyone looks at me smiling wondering what is wrong.
Sometimes, and again, more often than not, it is just easier to smile and go about my day than it is to attempt to explain any of this for somebody to just “Strawman” me and then I feel worse.
Change then right? Okay. I have thought about this as well. A person can only change so much before they begin to lose their identity and then what is next? Losing purpose, direction, and or living a meaningless life stuck in an existential vacuum? Sleepwalking through life?
I am reminded every day just how small this huge world is we live in. I know it is not supposed to be easy, just worth it. But I never expected in a million years for life to be this hard!
To those of you out there in the grip, I pray. We do recover. Look around. Let me in or let me down. I am Jay and I am an addict. Stay up. Stay human. I love you and you matter to me!