Hey, hi, and hello out there! Life! Recovery! Both at the same time! Life in Recovery!!! Yikes, right? There ain’t no such thing as halfway crooks! If you were half-way at anything in that life where I come from you got dealt with! And whoever said or coined the phrase, “honor amongst thieves”, must have never met one!!!
Anyways, as I have said before, happiness is not a sin!!!! In active addiction and for most of my life, I lived being numb or trying to get as numb as I could! I didn’t wanna feel anything, not even good. It felt as if someone could take away my warm and fuzzy if they knew I had it, so at age four, just before the drinking started, I began to master the art of being numb, without drugs or alcohol! I say art, even though most won’t view that as being very aesthetic, a lot of the things I did in active addiction and most of my life were not. But is art supposed to be pretty? Is it always a must that it be pleasing to the eye or any other sense for that matter? I guess that depends on who you ask. What would Andy Warhol say to that question?
Life in recovery is hard! But it is not near as hard as life in active addiction was, that shit was WORK! Life in recovery boy! It is tough. It is confusing and full of paradoxes! It is full of judgments and societies ugly stigmas being force-fed to those that just wanna be normal and haven’t a clue as to what “normal” should be from now on. After some significant clean time amounts, those things called feelings start to creep back in all slow and nasty and for some like me that have been without them for almost their entire life, this can be very rough. They overcome you, me, at times when I felt and still feel my weakest! That longing to be numb does as well, overcome me or at least it attempts too. ANd for some of us, me, I have mastered the art of being numb without drugs or alcohol. Whats next if I justify being numb because it is not my fault someone judged me that caused me to feel this way? What is wrong with that statement? No one makes me feel anything for starters, I choose what I feel today and maybe always have! I choose how I react or not react better than I ever have and getting better every day!
Life is nothing more than choices and perceptions. You can either throw up your hands, praying in one and hoping in the other, or you can just get up and do something as you did, as I did, in active addiction! No Such Thing! No such thing as halfway crooks and there ain’t no such thing as halfway recovery or a chance for a better life in it! I have found that it is ok for me to be happy! Yeah, I know. I was raised to feel guilty for being hungry though! It took me a while to be ok with feeling good! Sad, but true. And the phrase, this too shall pass includes the good times and the good feelings so I have also learned to enjoy them when the hit! The smiles and cries, right?
I have found things that make me happy and I hold onto them tight! I keep doing them! happiness is NOT A SIN!!!!
To those of you out there in the grip, I hope! We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down! I am Jay and I am an addict! Stay up. Stay Human. I love you and you matter to me!