Hey, hi, and hello out there. I write on here just about every single thought, emotion, feeling, and struggle I have as well as my accomplishments. I write on other social media sites as well as post photos on others. I think it is important for many reasons. I think it is important for the public to see a person like me, my past, my struggles all of it can change! I do it too for those that may be in the grip while hopelessness has them by the fucking throat, choking them and any thought of trying something new right the fuck out!
Livin that life and being in the grip is a terrible place to be, I know! It’s lonely and full of shame. It HURTS! But what hurts more is when someone finally has the courage or strength to ask for help. they cannot find it or the help they receive is not actually helping them simply because it may have helped someone in the past. It is frustrating, to say the least, and seemingly impossible to get off that vicious cycle. I have found that new way to live and am LIVING it!
I posted a song before this post as I frequently do called Stranded, by Van Morrison. What a beautiful tune!! Duke and I were driving this morning taking care of a few morning errands and I kept it on replay as it was the first time my ears have ever had the pleasure of hearing it. As I am driving I had to go through some not so pleasant parts of town and a tear fell as I witnessed the people out there in the grip. Some of are the very same people that were there doing the exact same thing last year, STRANDED! It breaks my fucking heart! It is a huge motivator as well though. It gives me that connection to the street I get further and further away from as I wake up each day clean and in recovery. It helps me to remember why it is I am going to school. It helps me turn off the t.v. and get my face in a book. It helps me to go and do things that sometimes, in turn, influence me to feel like I am stranded as well.
Sometimes Though, right? Sometimes being stranded is not such a bad thing. I feel stranded often and get confused as some of my feelings are still new to me and if they are not new the reason why I feel them is still new to me. Sometimes I find I have been in that place I go to in my head for so long that being stranded there might not be a bad thing either.
Duke! He used to make me think I was stranded. True story. My life moves so fast and I allow it too. Having him, especially early on, was like having a child to raise or teach or care for. It slowed me down when I was trying to keep up with the speed I had allowed my life to get to. I had to sit still and breathe Blackwell. Then it hit me one day, I needed him more than he needed me! This dog, my homie, Duke has taught me so much! I get confused about this sometimes too though and then find myself frustrated and angry. If I, we, can learn so much from an animal, why can’t we learn so much more from each other? Why do we make it so hard and turn it into a competition? Why do I have to do the things you do or did or I am wrong? It doesn’t make me right and it doesn’t make you right! We need to just sit back and breathe and think, reflect…
We may have all walked that “mile” I hear so much about but our shoes are different and some did it bare foot. Some of us took such a winding route that the “mile” felt like it took an eternity!
I am working on finishing up a couple of things during my one-month hiatus from school that just may change the face of recovery and the way people look at it!
To those of you in the grip, I hope. We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down. I am Jay and I am an addict! Stay up. Stay human. I love you and you matter to me!!!