Hey, hi, and hello out there! Drifting along, or maybe, away. Stuck on this Latitude that makes NO sense to me. How did I get here, this time? What happened? Where, exactly did it all go wrong? What could I have done differently, or not done at all?
I feel like I just woke up from the dream of all dreams but didn’t come to into reality. It’s a different realm almost. I was like someone kicked me in the face and when I awoke, I was in a nightmare.
When things go south, as they sometimes do, if and when you can get them back to true north, it is never really the same again. It will never be like it once was. It lost that magic that no amount of witcraft or wizardy could ever conjure up.
I read, a LOT. I read something in one of my school books that I can relate to as much as I used to try and deny it. It was in my philosophy book. Although it was a 12 week accelerated course, we never made it past the first three chapters. So last night after I finished my final exam I read on and on and on. It has to do with your soul. My Soul. Something I have come increasingly fascinated with over the past few months. It is called Soul Loss. And this is what it had to say about it, “Whenever we suffer a physical or emotional trauma, it is said that a part of our soul flees the body in order to survive the experience. With every cut and wound our essence and vitality grows weeker-Soul Loss”.
What a BOSS definition of something I can remember feeling for my entire life and struggled to put a name on it. When I think back, as hard and dangerous it is for me to do, to all my “hurts”, for almost all of them I can recall this hollow feeling during them…it wasn’t a complete emptiness as much as it was this sense that something was missing and that something had been ripped out of me before I could notice or fight it!
How much of your physical body do you use that is actualized by your soul?
Now, I said for almost all of my hurts I noticed this feeling… there were times that I suffered from a loss and or a hurt, but I didn’t feel what I have come to know as SOul Loss. Maybe that is because I never really had what I thought I had and so, therefore, I never really lost? Is there such a thing as a painful gain that masks itself as a painful gain in order for us to accept it? Who is going to accept a painful gain???
“Have I gone mad?” “All the best people are” Right?????
If you don’t have any values or do not know the value of something-you will never know the cost of something you lost!!!
It comes back though! You know, that part of your soul that flees during those traumatic times. It comes back! I have felt this as well! I have not found the words to explain this yet though. Give me some time. I have a month off of school and I get bored real easy!
Going through some rough times my self right now. I don’t always “have it together”. In fact, seldom do. I put on a smile and go forth every day though. As sometimes a lot of other people depend on it! Life is fucking slippery and confusing and the harder I try to hold on to something the faster it slips away. I am letting go today. Open arms and open hands. I let go of it!!! I am going to go feed my Soul and by the way, I am still soaked. Soaked to my soul!
To those of you out there in the grip. I hope. We do recover. Look around! Let me in or please, just let me down already! I am Jay and I am an addict! Stay up. Stay human. I love you and you matter to me! #jaystrong!!!!