XXX


Hey, hi, and hello out there. Please just shut up! Just sit there and listen for one second. No, one minute.. Stay up. Stay human. Anymore, the way things been goin, sit still and breathe got me coughin and spittin and blowin. I feel like an alien. My life and the way I live it you think you know it! Maybe because thats the way i show it. Waking up again in another pool of sweat, screaming. Its ok dont fret! Its just these god damn demons forcing me to make a choice. I write because i have no voice. I lost it. Its gone. I’ve been screaming for so long so loud, watching as everything around me burns down. I dont know how much more i can take! Why can’t you see that this smile is fake!?!? Im addicted to things i cannot touch! Take it slow. Don’t rush. Ive been drunk on love with this passion that runs through my veins which are now full of ink from which i now bleed onto paper. I’ve been high on life! Skyrocketed into outer space where as I’ve said before the sky is my nieghborhood! Don’t judge me because i didn’t do what you said i should. One foot in my past and running from my future feels like someone tied my laces together. Im falling again but this time from so much higher. This time when i landand it all shatters I WILL put all the pieces back together again. Its like when a bottle breaks. If and when you can ever find all the pieces and the right glue to glue it all back together again, it’ll never be the same again. I WILL never be the same again. I WILL be stronger and more beautiful as the glue oozes outa the scars on my body and my face! I WILL still be a bottle and still hold fluid and still remain fluid! I let go of the obsession to hold onto who i always was, or wasnt! Change! Its inevitable. Its all around us, around me. Everything changes except the things i want to the MOST! Raise yer glass i wanna propose a toast. Look at me im Jay and im an addict but i dont mean to boast! “God is dead and man killed him”! But just when im bout to quit to tap out and admit defeat something happens! The lightning strikes but the thunder never claps. Thats ot! Thats all! Thats a wrap! The wrong answers to the right questions remain unclear, smoke and mirrors while im screamin, IT AIN’T FAIR! Don’t put me on a pedestal and it’s best to love me from a distamce. Lower your resistance! Go to these meetings and read this book its cover is blue and it knows whats nest for you. I beg to differ my upper lip is stiffer! I just wanna be alone and isolate as i sit here and contemplate- am i too late? The truth is, i wasnt supposed to live this long. Im too mean to die. Im writing this with the gun in my mouth as i sit here and cry. Im just one person, it doesn’t even count, my vote. Is it bad to wanna go out on a good note? Why are we as humans such an ugly species? I don’t wanna feel today! Can your ears hear what im sayin? This aint a game and im not playin! I’ve been so high for so long i never thought or planned to come down. Im not ready for this. I dont have time to be broken. Nothing tastes the same and certain senses are dulled to the point of non- existence or just this side of anyways. Im just gonna stay crazy so i dont go insane. Soon, soon you’ll all understand….

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One thought on “XXX

  1. I’ve written so many lines like this in my journal. I know how you feel, it show I feel almost every day. You steal your own joy like ash in your mouth when you realize there’s a crash for every high…Newton’s law applies not just to gravity, but the sheer force of your will to be. Every good day has an asterisk, yet you focus on breaking it…

    The Japanese paint cracks with gold. They say it is sacred, and part of the whole. I see a heart lined with beauty, doesn’t matter if no one gets it. In your heartbeat, you feel truth. You dance in dark and light with muse.

    Liked by 1 person

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