If Only, part one…


The weight of the Devil on my shoulder has got me fallen over. Please dont say it, “ill pray for you”. It’s become hard to breathe through all the pollution coming out of peoples mouths. Look around, I’m that needle in the haystack you’ve finally found!

If Only…

You could see things through my eyes and the way I see em. The Struggle is REAL. I wanted it, and now I have it, the ability to feel. Fish HOOKED and brought back in on that God Damn reel. Blind in one eye and cannot see from the other!

If Only…

You could hear things with my ears, the way I hear em. I did it! I Jumped! Right into the Lions den, the shark pit. I feel like a squre peg in a round circle, I DON’T FIT! I’m writing this in blood. I keep dipping my pen in the well. Sit still and BREATHE has evolved and has now become Sit Still and BLEED Blackwell while I hold my fucking Breathe. Here it comes! Change! What’s next? A penny fir your thoughts when Life is tell8ng me to shut the fuck up. How goods my credit. Fuck it. It’s too late, I said it! The world is diseased and corrupt!

If Only…

Mama said there would be days like these. Im down on my knees! I wish I could’ve heard her. I was too busy tryna change the weather. Day’s like these huh? What about the nights like those? OH FUCK!We lost another to an OverDose!

It’s gonna get worse before it gets any better- nightmares got me sweating in the sheets- Don’t think they can get any wetter!

If Only…

I could be so lucky to die doing what my Daddy died doing. I awake everyday a pile of ash laying amongst the Ruins!

The room is filled with smoke, or is it a Haze? Its hard to tell. It’s dark at first but not for long. But it’s not a switch on light sort of thing, it’s flashes at firzt– BRIGHT! BRIGHT! BRIGHT! My heart is pounding like a thousand thoroughbreds. I can hear music-no wait- DRUMS its just Drums- FAST! FAST! FAST!. 4 or five sets intertwined but one or twoof them are slower only to at first sound off beat but combined they complete his Thunderous Heartbeat! It’s upside down- his thoughts- my mind! Or is it inside out? What the fuck am I even thinking about? The smoke clears and the light dulls as is senses become hightened. He gasps for air! How long have I been holding my Breathe? What time is it? What day is it? Fuck me! What year is it? He stands or attempts to- feels more like I’m floating…to be continued…

To those of you out there in the grip, I hope! We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down! I am Jay and I’m an addict. Stay up. Stay human. I love you and you matter to me.

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