Sterile at 3:07am…

Indiscriminate chatter, voices, whispers in the shape of screams. I come to standing in front of the mirror and there are eyes behind me, above and to my left in the mirror, but it’s dark, the lights are off. I shake it off and splash some water on my face and then return to my room and lite a Newport. My bed is soaked with sweat again so I sit on the floor to smoke. I look over at the clock and see that it’s 3:07 am. I hear the voices so often that it’s only when they stop do I notice they are not there. It’s silent except for the second hand on the clock and the sound the tobacco makes every time I pull off of it. Nothing! No sounds! No thoughts racing through my head. Calm, steady, peaceful.

Sterile at 3:07 am. I say that and some might think it as a bad thing but I’m fine with it. It’s different. How long will this last? Maybe until 4 and then I will think about how it was before? And then it happens, the thoughts creep back in, unwelcomed but I can’t fight them, I’m not strong enough. I guess I’m not that tuff. 

It’s as if millions of filing cabinet drawers are flying open and the files are all being yanked by an unseen force but it’s not papers stirring about, they’re memories, frozen moments of times past. Some I can remember, some I cannot. Some are pleasant, some I wish I had forgot. The voices are back but I don’t remember them starting. Then it is yanked from my face, that fake smile, do you remember? That carefully placed string? I reach up and feel my face and I have no mouth, I cannot even scream! Is this even real or just another dream? Nothing, it’s gone there is nothing there! It has vanished! POOF! Right into the thin air! 

It’s dark so I reach around for my phone but I am unsuccessful. Why couldn’t tonight just be uneventful? Everything is so spread out in my small room but I feel closterphobic. Breathing has become a chore and there is now a strange smell. I try but I can’t get back into my bed, stuck on the floor without a mouth and I cannot see. Why the fuck is this happening to me?!!!!

Crawling around in the dark I find myself under the bed. Is this just all in my head? It’s there. I can see it! That hole in the floor again under my bed. I wanna look in and I do even though I am overcome with dread. 

As I peek in the hole I wake up gasping for a breathe and I’m soaking wet. I look at the clock, It’s 3:07am. Here we go with this shit again…..28407549_530440030673113_1232009698_o

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