On My Knees…


Hey, hi, and hello out there. It’s Monday once again. I woke up a pile of ash again too! And sick, woke up not feeling well so much so that I did not even want to get out of bed. Being self-sufficient has its drawbacks too I guess. Living alone, no one to look after me when I get to feeling blue. Shit is all grainy and out of focus!

It’s been an onslaught of Life lately as I guess it has been for quite some time though. Are my problems just the result of yesterdays decisions? At times, yes. But those decisions that allow me to feel the way I do aren’t attached to whether or not I used these days, nope. They are everyday simple Life decisions that most of you have been successfully navigating for most of your adult life. 

When an addict gets clean that has been living the wrong way his whole life, such as I, No, wait, I wasn’t even living as much as I was killing myself slowly, one second at a time, these decisions prove to be more difficult than the average eye could ever see. It’s not like not making any choice in the matter at hand will help so I make one. Right, wrong, or indifferent, and then deal with the consequences, both good and bad. I have found that there is always a consequence, to everything!

So, I get up and out of bed today when all I wanted to do was just lay there and die. Because I am a man you know and even the slightest fever means I am dying!!! I have so much to do today that I almost don’t even know where to begin. Sweating and coughing and down in the dumps with the Blues. Why then? Why did I get out of bed? Where did the strength or motivation come from? I am home alone and Duke is down the street so I could have laid there and died as I so put it. I am not 100% sure but if I were a betting man my money would be on the fact that behaviors are learned experiences! I know that to lay there and do nothing will not help this specific situation as I am not that sick yet. It is more mental than the flu at this point. So, I got up because that is what I always have done, GOT UP AND MADE SHIT HAPPEN! No one ever knocked on my door handing out anything, EVER! Why should it be any different because I got clean? I just have to work that much harder than the next even though it feels as if I am trying to breathe underwater and I am failing at Life!

Maybe someone out there has it worse than I do today and to see my smiling face is what they need to get by another day! I am not sure, but I do know that Life has had me on my knees a lot lately and I won’t go out without a fight! Choices! Perceptions! Chances!

To those of you out there in the grip, I hope! We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down! I am Jay and I am an addict! Stay up. Stay human too though! I love you and you matter!

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