Momma tried…


Hey, hi, and hello out there. It’s 3:04 am, the coffee is strong, I have a half a pack of Newports, I can’t sleep, and I have to be at work in three hours! They say when you lay awake at night that is because someone else is dreaming about you. If that is true, a lot of people have been dreaming of me lately, or maybe it’s the same person over and over. I guess I’ll never know.

So, that title huh? I’ve had several “moms” in my lifetime. Some tried to help me find my way and some just tried to get away! Can’t say I blame them though, but in the end, only one remains! She means well, and she tries, and I am lucky to have found her. But, I have only had and will ever only have had ONE Dad! Even though my “momma”s” have tried, and yelled at me until their face was blue, it is my Dads words that ring out in my ear and are always true!

Anyways, I am up! I find myself without the ability to sleep quite often for a variety of reasons these days. I used to get so frustrated with it. Not anymore though. Aint nobody got time for all that! So, I found myself scrolling on a social media site and I came across a fathers post about his daughter he lost to a heroin overdose and it broke my heart. I thought to myself “what in the fuck am I doing on Facebook when I have homework to be doing”? So I got out of bed, made coffee and started in on some homework. It is my way of giving back all that I took from society I guess. Doing homework for this degree I am trying to get and hopefully, someday do so I can really start to give back and help those out there in the grip. 

It’s heavy! The guilt and shame I wear around my neck! Around my heart! From all those years I took! All those years of using, not only drugs but society. I used everyone and everything, even my family, loved ones and friends. I have worked the twelve steps, several times, and have made right what I could to those I had wronged! It just isn’t enough for me. Many will say “you gotta let that shit go Blackwell”, well I can’t, I won’t, and I ain’t gotta do shit! “It is the deviates among us that hold society together”!

I posted a song by Sam and Dave called “Hold on I’m Coming” just before this post I am writing. That is my song for those out there in the grip that I cannot reach because we live in such a credentialist society that requires me to have a degree before I can enter into a legitimate organization and help! I do what I can where I can now, but my exposure is limited by lack of degree and some misguided organizations that I have had the unfortunate displeasure of being involved with. HOLD ON I’M COMING!!!!

Until that graduation day comes for me, I write! I read! I take exams. I go to meetings! I sponsor! I cry! I laugh! And I live! Share this post! Share it like wildfire! Somewhere out there an addict in the grip is staring at the phone waiting on they’re money or dealer to come through, rocking back and forth, wondering how in the fuck it has only been a minute and a half since they last looked at the clock! Somewhere out there an addict isn’t gonna see the sunrise in a few hours! Even worse maybe, an addict is gonna see that sunrise and go on to wish they didn’t! A child will lose their mother or father! The “grip” will swallow up another! A mother and father will bury another son or daughter! I feel like a thoroughbred at the gate and that gate won’t open until I get my degree! It’s frustrating! Hate the disease and not the diseased!I try to speak with good intent and reason, not with anger. But I can only hold on to misguided frustration for so long!

I can feel my Soul leaving again as if something is causing it to. Soul Loss is upon me and I do not know or understand why…

To those of you out ther in the grip. I hope! We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down! I am Jay and I am an addict! Stay up! Stay human too though! I love you and you matter to me! Hug an addict today!

 

 

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