Wandering and Wondering…


Salutations! Good morning. Hey, hi, and hello out there. How do I change the way I think without using the one thing I think with? Is that not a shortcut to, well, NOT THINKING? If I’ve learned anything in my life about shortcuts, it is that they are never short nor are they worth it!

I am sitting here this morning with a pocket full of broken dreams, a head full of chlorine, and a heart full of ink from which I bleed out into a notebook full of silent screams! The pen and paper do not bring me comfort no more. Death came knocking last night but I didn’t answer the door. I told him I was busy and that he needed to circle the block for a few days…

I am surrounded by people that smile and nod in agreement and then sit back and watch as my face is slammed into the pavement. As I cry, I lay there, looking up, and Wonder, why?

My thoughts chase each other around in my mind like birds in the wide open sky except my mind is not as wide open as the sky! I used to think it was infinite, until, one night, when I laid down to die, I found it’s edges! It took me a second as I was apprehensive at first, you know when I found the edges of my mind? Then it hit me-I was so full of excitement I felt like I was going to burst! So, I climbed up and danced around high up on top of my minds ledges! Every once in a while, I would peek over and Wonder, “is it time to wander”?

After what felt like years and a lifetime of tears, I got bored and I jumped. I didn’t dangle a toe and then ease on in, no no. I dove eyes wide open and screaming into the deep dark abyss. As I fell, I began to Wonder, “will I even be missed”? I am not sure there is any returning from this and if there was, it would be for just one last kiss…

Bouncing around, floating more like. Lost thoughts and missing memories and once in a while, a sharp knife. Drifting, shards of broken glass and no ground to fall on my ass! Voices, screams of pain, and laughter. Whispers, darkness, with periods of light. The sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. How in the fuck is all of this outside the edges of my mind? Ideas and dreams past, broken, shattered or just gave up on. Lost and forgotten about time, once upon. My greatest strengths and my biggest weakness, just when I thought I was at my peak, now there is this? Where do I go from here? What do I tell everyone when they ask why I’ve disappeared? I like it here. No smoke, no mirrors! It’s all so perfectly fucking clear! I’VE GONE MAD! 

To those of you out there in the grip, I hope. We do recover! Look around! Let me in or just let me down! My name is Jay and I am an addict! Stay up. Stay human too though! I love you and you matter to me…

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